Wanna Be PhD

Oh boy!

2007-05-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

I had a bad day! Oh boy oh boy! I ended up screaming and sobbing lying on the kitchen floor. I guess I'm totally exhausted. The bad thing is I don't really know what made me so upset. But the degree was unbearable. Right now I'm so fucking tired I guess I just go to bed. So no research for today. This makes me sad. Being too tired to do some academic work. Unfortunately, this is not the first day this happened to me. Sob.

Welcome back

2007-05-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

Hello boys and girls,

it has been quite some time since I have written my last entry here. Well, I just openend up my thesis and started going through my editor's comments. I'm gonna be published! I hope that I will keep on working, and that I might pick up blogging again. It helps at times when the isolation gets too bad.

See you!

Blogging for teaching?

2006-09-08T03:43:00.000-07:00

I am very dissatisfied with the eLearning facility that my university provides. It is not easy to use. There is no trial mode.

I thought of, why don't I use blogging for my teaching? I will give some reading assignments, but I wanted to pose some crucial questions while they are reading. And I wanted to have the students discuss their questions, ideas and suggestions electronically.

I could set up a blog for my course where I will post questions, assignments, hints and links at various points. The students should then participate by commenting or by writing blog entries themselves.

This idea could be extended, as the students will have to write a lab diary for another course. So, they could all have their own blogs for their diaries, so all people in the program can see what is going on. As this is an interdisciplinary program and the faculty do not really know each other, this would be a good way to learn each other's research goals.

But of course, the big thing is illusionary. But as a start, I could do my own lecture blog. However, I guess I want to have it password protected, so that only the students (and maybe my colleagues) can read it, but not the whole world.

News from match.com

2006-09-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

I am currently chatting via email with four nice guys from my local match.com. I am somehow a lazy replier sending no more than 2 or 3 messages per week, but it keeps going. Most important: I am trying to see the good parts of the guys.

My First Class!

2006-09-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

This fall, I will teach my first class entirely on my own. (Some great possibility appeared - a lecturer was missing, so I got the chance; this is how my Head of Department reacted that I quit being his T.A. - he suggested that I should give this course; so it was good that I stood up!). Right now I am in the process of preparing the plan for the term. I will have five sessions, two full hour each. Up to now, I have decided to have a main topic for each session. Then, I split up every meeting into four units of 30 mins each. I thought of spending 30 mins discussing a reading assignment with given questions, 2x 30 mins of traditional lecturing, and maybe another 30 mins of doing some exercises with the class. Thus, there will be no more as 30 mins of nonstop talking.

I am thinking of how to use the elearning facility. I thought of giving bonus points to those participating in the online discussion: students should add links (with comments) to class related topics [I think of information collecting as one of the most important skill that an ongoing researcher should learn] and should discuss theoretical matters from their specific background.

Boyfriend

2006-08-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

I am now trying my local find-a-mate.com seriously, I am definitely looking for a relationship. In the last two years, I spent 120% of my time with my academic work, so now I want to focus on another aspect of human life.

One question doesn't get out of my mind: what if I fall in love with someone over here and I have to leave for a postdoc? What if I have to move to Another Country for the next three years? Somehow this insecurity seems to contradict a private life. In particular, I do not know at the moment where I will be going to in the next couple of weeks.

The Job Market

2006-08-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

Refreshed from a nice summer holiday, I am prepared to jump into my next adventure. I need a new job. Soon.

I did my very best to figure out what I want, but I have not arrived at a solution yet. It is a bit scary to admit, but I am likely to quit the academic world. I don't think I love my subject so much that I can bear it to continue to sit in a room alone for the next three years writing some more papers who nobody really is interested in. I don't want to move into a foreign country. I don't want to have the same problems again in three years, i.e., that I will be running out of funding. I am sick of all the people who keep envying me because I am sucessful. Right now, I just don't know why I should go on.

The alternative is that I will pick up some job in the industry (not related to my PhD subject). Maybe I'll find some researchy thing to work for, but not as academic as the university. This would give fixed working hours, money and vacation.

The thing I am not sure about right now is: is it a pitty that I give up my scientific career because I am good at it and I should fight for my position? I should care less and move to another country (but then, at some point, I will need a tenured position and there is none around my home town).

Teaching (or why I am pissed, part 351)

2006-06-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

I have been TAing for my Head of Department for about 7 years. This means that I have started this job when I was an undergrad. When I became a grad student things didn't change. Except from that I had to grade (1000 exams) without getting more money.

So, some days ago he asked me if I could do it again next term.

I said no. I said it was a student's job and I won't be a student anymore next term, given my defense in fall.

I have to tell you, deep inside I was furious. There are other grad students at My Dept, and some of them even get to teach their own corses themselves, not doing the shit work for the HoD's class. It's just that I will have my PhD in fall and some people, or maybe people in general get assistant professorships at that point in their career, or even tenure-track positions.

Why do I feel that I have disappointed my boss? Why do I feel so bad about this? But I am definitely not going to do the same job as the one I did when I was an undergrad.

Something's wrong

2006-06-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

I think this whole dissertation business that was going on for the last year was bad for me, indeed. I stepped on the scales today - and it is bad, very bad: 213.8 lbs. This is definitely way too much. It is not the highest number I've ever had, but still. I gained about 33 lbs within a year.

I've spent the last three days or so quieting down. Finally! (My defense will be in fall) And thought it over. If this is going on like it was the last year I will quit academia. I am applying for a post-doc grant, but I consider to quit. I think I will appreciate working in an office, like getting up at a reasonable time in the morning and having fixed times for the meals. And having free evenings and free week ends. Free time to socialize. This really sounds not that bad.

I do have two of 'em...

2006-05-17T01:47:00.000-07:00

...but I want some privacy.

(Eye meme. Guess I'm a late participant these days.)

Dissertation meme

2006-05-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

The last word of the dissertation...now I can participate on the meme! I can! I can! I can, I can, I can! !!!
It is:
WAY

(Tonight I am really close to finishing! Only some slight additions in the bibliography and a couple of lines in the acknowledgements.....)

Acknowledgements

2006-05-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

If I use only one sentence to thank the Prof I hate, does this count as a swear word?

Discount coffee

2006-05-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

Again. I am sitting over my thesis hoping for this to be the very last night of making final revisions. But tonight another thing bothers me. I bought coffee on Friday. Not my usual brand, but another one which was on discount. It tastes awful!. Why did I do this? Why? I am tired and I need to concentrate and this coffee is almost unbearable. Yuck!

Paper promotion?

2006-05-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

Well, remember the paper? It is out now. I haven't received the printed journal yet, but there is already an announcement on the journal's web site. Yeah!

Now I am wondering if I should promote my paper. I found out that a certain BigProf is teaching a course on exactly my topic this term. He has listed all sorts of references at his course web site, but not my paper. I know this Prof in person, as he was teaching here once, and I have met him at conferences. Should I email him about my paper? If so, should I attach it right away?

He happens to be on the editorial board of the journal, so I am wondering he might know about it anyway and he considers it to be a bad peice of work, that's why he does not mention it on his site.

Is it too pushy to promote one's paper in such a way?

Test time

2006-05-01T02:34:00.000-07:00

[via Profgrrrrl]

You keep secrets about your
Career

What's Your Buried Secret?

Brought to you by Tickle

Abstract submission

2006-04-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

So, my dear little future academic. What have you done. Now you're sitting here, one hour before the deadline, working on two abstracts simultaneously. That's not gonna get you good results. Promise. And why did this happen? Why? Because you didn't go to the library for work. Not in the last three days. This is why you suffer now, stupid little girl. Never, ever start sitting at home again when you know work is due. It only makes you bad thoughts about the boyfriends you do not have. And it makes you wanting to eat tons of chocolates. And it keeps you procrastinating and feeling sad. And you don't even have the time for recreational reading. Bad girl.

Confused

2006-04-28T04:06:00.000-07:00

I put shower gel onto my hair while washing them. And I happened to feel that I forgot how logarithms work.
Is this going to get dangerous?

Another anniversary

2006-04-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

I remember the evening when they announced it on the news on TV. We were just having dinner, the TV running besides. Mom and dad were engaged in a heavy fight. Both of them red all over and screaming at each other. We, the kids were listening and chewing. Suddenly they quieted down. It was a female speaker who said the unbelievable.

I remember our cat died a couple of weeks later.

I was small. I thought Russia was very far away. Thought we were safe b/c we were so far away. Now I'm older. Russia is not far away at all.

Incredible amount of social life

2006-04-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

Today, I was around the university building. I was working in the library for about two hours. All in all, I bumped into four people I know. Amazing! Leaving the apartment does defeat the loneliness!

Cafe blogging

2006-04-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

3:13 p.m.
I am sitting in a cafe (close to my apartment) in the garden. Little light green things are falling from the maple tree into my keyboard. I bet that the seeds are quite harmful to the interior of a laptop.

Nevertheless, I am back to writing the paper for collaboratorix. I kinda enjoy it. Life is better without internet. Without relentlessly checking email over and over again. I experience a relief.

Can it be that I am a real internet/email addict?

Of course, I know that I have pursued addictive behavior previously (with food, not with drugs), and that there is all kind of addiction in my family (food, no food, drugs, alcohol, whatever you want). Um.

I adore mypodcasts! Its like surfing the web and reading various journals without doint that, but while getting around in the fresh air.

Podcast forever! :-)

-------------------------------------

3:31 p.m.
When I close my eyes it smells like summer holidays. Like swimming. Ice cream. Sun. Wind.

There's a quy sitting at the other end of the garden. Quite an attractive haircut..... alone!!

--------------------------------------

3:55 p.m.
Girlfried of cutie has arrived. Grumble.

Next to me, there sits an old woman. There are several elderly ladies arround, as there is a home for the elderly across the road. She's been sitting alone at her table for about an hour. Talking to no one. Like me. Are the only people that are sitting in a cafe at a sunny afternoon elderly ladies?

---------------------------------------
And now, one of them is eating an apple pie. And I can smell it. I want it. I need it. uuuuuhhhh...... But I am on diet. And I have brought (knowing what would happen) only 5 € with me. Thant's not enough for coffee and pie.

----------------------------------------

4:54 p.m.
I was a very good girl. Completed Part 2 (of overall 3) of our paper. Indeed, writing off-line is really fast. I am amazed. Now I'm going on for another hour to collect and structure the comments of Head of Department. Must find out what to write on the missing 29 pages. Or remaining 24, as I'm going to have a couple of pages with acknowledgements.

Library blogging

2006-04-24T05:36:00.000-07:00

10:55 a.m.
I need to go to toilet. But I won't go until I have done a little library blogging. Here is my new life. I am a good girl today. Set the alarm at 8. Got up. Grabbed my computer. And here I am. In the library. Working.

As you know, I really suffered from isolation this winter. And - surprise, surprise! - I have grown fat!

(back from the toilet)
I have to write a paper now - the one which collaboratorix and I have been presenting. Some Big Scholar and Journal Editor has asked us personnally to sumbit it to his journal! Yeah!

Because I am so lonely at home and procrastinating so much, I have decided to pick up a better working habit. Something like: 4 or 5 hours of writing in the library. Monday to Friday. The best part of this is that I do not have WLAN (hence: no procrastination surfing!) and that food is prohibited (which - hopefully - helps me to slim down a bit).

Part II of My New Life is to go to the park for 2 hours every day, doing my reading. I have made a list of all the things that popped into my mind. Of course, there is subject and thesis related stuff I want to have read, but there are other things as well, say, research on new media and stuff, which I am not into but which seem interesting from a general point of view.

Part III (the final one) is that I have set up my podcast system. Today it was my first ride to the library (which takes about 1/2 hour) where I listened to an American podcast. Maybe I'll add the reference later, not sure yet. It's cool not only because it's interesting but also b/c it helps me with my English. Y'know, the fact that you can hear it over and over and over again, to repeat the parts which you didn't understand (and at some point remember the new expressions and look them up in the dictionary, at some very remote point). Whatever, I enjoy it.

-------------------------------------------------------
11:26 a.m.
If I am a good girl, a reeeeeeealllly goooood girl, I will get a diet coke from the vending machine at 1 p.m. *slurp* Almost 90 mins to go.
A cool one. Fresh and chilly. jumjum.

-------------------------------------------------------
11:55 a.m.
To the bitch that opened the window. Yes, I appreciate fresh spring air. That's why I am going to the park in the afternoon. But I hate the noise from the construction site out there. It disturbs my thought and keeps me off from writing. AND I AM HERE FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF WRITING!!!

Long time no see

2006-04-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks I spent doing nothing. I was on vacation in the mountains and at my Grandma's over the Easter holidays. And now, I am somehow starting to get back to work.

Thank you all for your congratulations! But the thing isn't over yet. I had a meeting with the head of my department. He said (I still can't quite believe it) that he wanted me to write 200 pages. I have now 171. I think it is ok if there is some substantial thing that is missing and that I should add this, but just a mere page limit?

Somehow I feel like an idiot. Doing my research for people who do not care a shit about it. And even this head of the department has always seemed so bright and distinguished.

So, if he wants it to be 200 pages, he'll get exactly 200.

There is going to be a meeting with Ex Supervisor as well, b/c he is somehow involved in the committee. That's going to be pretty funny, b/c he hasn't read a single page yet. And now he has to b/c I'll try tp schedule the defense within the next couple of weeks.

Dissertation

2006-03-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

Today, I submitted my final draft to my comittee. Let's see what happens next. They're going to take a look at if within the next 3-5 weeks, and then maybe I will have to rewrite some little parts.

It seems pretty unreal. I have been struggling with this for so long, I just can't get it that it's over.

(Yes, I am fucking tired! Didn't get to sleep last night.)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

2006-03-07T15:31:00.000-08:00

I will now start to write the introduction (short) and the conclusion (short) of the thesis.
I will start printing later this night.

I hope I have the power to tackle those *last* bits.

In 5 years, or in 10

2006-03-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

will I think of this final days as romantic?

Exactly 4 years ago I started to work at a company. It didn't fell romantic at all, but now it does. I remeber when I was there for the interview. My mom drove me there and we had a coffe afterwards. And I remember my last day when I got a huge bunch of flowers and then met with a friend at exactly the same cafe (-you guessed it, it is close to the office building-).

At that time, did I feel that I was young? That I had every chance? That my life was starting?
No, I don't think so. Rather, I was scared. I had just completed my MA thesis and was waiting for the defense. I was shocked by the people who worked at the office. Communication was very difficult for me at that time. It was exhausting for me to interact with those colleagues.

I think I am more mature now. I wouldn't mind working at an office now. And I would have no problems with interaction. Now I know these are just ordinary people. And that I am quite ordinary as well, except for my research interests. But, so what. Other people are interested in sports, I am interested in research. One doesn't have to share everything.

Now I feel that my life is starting. I am not scared at all. I know I can make the money I need. I feel like nothing bad can happen to me, like: I am able to handle all sorts of situiations. Getting a job, applying for a grant, dealing with extreme personalities, moving to a foreign country, finding an apartment, etc.

Somehow, If I think of it this way, it is not the content of the dissertation that shaped my character during grad school life. Rather, it is the exposure to all sorts of unpleasant situations which I really managed to cope with. Guess grad school was a lesson for life I don't want to miss.

I'm dreaming of a white christmas...

2006-03-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

No. I'm dreaming of a completed dissertation. Still.
Still revising a chapter. Not the last one.
Maybe I'll be done by tomorrow morning. Hopefully.

One thing that occured to me during the last week is that I finally got over with my problems regarding the English language. Now I have caught myself writing and thinking at the same time!! This is really cool! Because this makes life easier quite a bit!! I do not have to pay attention too much on formulating sentences. I guess it still does take a wee bit longer than in my native language, but it isn't as painful as it was.

Bed time?

2006-03-05T17:59:00.000-08:00

Is 3 a.m. a reasonable bed time for a girl that ought to be finished with her thesis tomorrow? Or should that girl go on and finish the paragraph and thereby the chapter she is revising? Leving less to do for tomorrow?

New York

2006-03-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

I have no idea why, but right now I am dreaming of going on a city trip to New York. I have never been there before. I have never wanted to go there before. But right now, it seems as the ideal thing to to.
Maybe it is because I have been working for 12 hours per day the last couple of weeks. And New York seems the place where live goes on. Where things happen.

Where my readers are

2006-03-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

And I always thought I am not popular ;-)

Follow up discussion on school meme

2006-03-05T05:28:00.000-08:00

[I know I should be working, but this is just to get me more concentrated. I spell out my thoughts]

I think these school memes that are going around are really, really interesting. Because they are so similar in a way. Everyone was happy in kindergarten and primary school. And everybody had problems emerging in junior high/high school. Does this have smething to do with puberty? Is it te case that it is more difficult to be bright for girls than for boys? Have gender stereotypes caused all those problems for us?

An interesting article I have found on this topic some months ago is here: Gender and Genius.

I wonder what you think. Is being "the brain" harder for girls than for boys? If so, why should it be?

Oh no, slept late!

2006-03-05T04:54:00.000-08:00

Woke up at 1 p.m.
Wanna watch TV in the afternoon.
It is Sunday already. Want to be finished today.
Guess I won't make it.
This seems like a bad start of the day.

Good girl

2006-03-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

I was a good girl today. I worked. But I have to do a couple of things more.
I am tired. I want to sleep. I want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

I have to tell me: the best dissertation is the written dissertation. I am strong. I am powerful. I can do these few more paragraphs. Everything will be fine. There is no other book on this topic, so everything I do will be fine.
I am strong. I can do this.

puh. I hope this gets me through the revision of the next paragraph.

Food

2006-03-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

But I did buy some oranges today instead of chocolate.

School meme

2006-03-03T15:30:00.000-08:00

Via Profgrrrrl and Anastasia

Kindergarten
I was the fat one with the foreign accent. Everyone was scared of my mom b/c they didn't understand her.

Primary school
I remember the first day the teacher asked us what we wanted to learn. I said I wanted to learn maths b/c I could do the reading and the writing already.
I thought it was fun. School was just a personal amusement for me. But I never understood why they wanted me to practise my handwriting. I thought the important thing was that the letters were written, not that they were beautiful.

Junior high
Straight A student. Started smoking and drinkng when 13. Was really one of the cooles gals.

High school
Got depressed. Very very depressed. Still straight A student. Always very tired b/c I went to bed at 2 - 3am. Being dead tired was the only way to survive the lessons. Otherwise it was unbearable. Hated my class. Won maths and latin competition.

College
Very busy, quite depressed.

Grad school
Lonely. Spent almost the entire time alone in my apartment working on the thesis.

Thesis status

2006-03-03T15:28:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am working like hell. I am correcting my chapters. Adding references. Adding examples. Polishing the English.
I am totally ehausted. Dead tired.
I am eating. I keep eating. Everything. This is bad. I gow fat. Bad for my spine. Bad for my health. Bad for my feeling.

I guess I am stressed?

I really really really want to be finished by Sunday, take Monday off, print on Tuesday and hand it in on Wednesday. I really want.

Typing hype

2006-02-23T14:56:00.000-08:00

It is quiet. It is midnight. My fingers hit the buttons on my keybord. I like the sound and the smooth movements of the keys.
I am revising my dissertation. After almost two weeks I am back to work. Still tired and exhausted, but I'm going.
I like the feeling of doing something, instead of feeling awful and procrastinating all the time.

Today I got an email from the journal editor. Remember, I sent them my manuscript 14 months ago. They are going to send me the final prints soon! Yeah!

I was surfing my university's web pages, and I found out that there is a oaching project for female grad students. They would discuss topics such as isolation, conflicts with the supervisor, bad writing habits, and organizing oneself.
I thought: Wow, I'd just needed that! But now it's too late, as I will be finished soon (hopefully).
Then I thought about it. At the very worst time, which was about 14 months ago, before going to Another Town, THEN I really would have needed such help. But I didn't go there then. Because I thought my problems are too personal to discuss it in such a workshop. Because the academic world is so small and people will find out about my problems. And people would find out about my bad relationship with Ex Supervisor. And this would for sure have a bad effect on my career.
I still believe that not talking about the bad stuff is career saving. Since if you do, people will remeber you as an uneasy person.

Music quiz

2006-02-10T15:54:00.000-08:00

[via Anastasia]

Yes, I do play the cello!
Very cool quiz!!!

You scored as Cello. Cello.
Not much to say about the cello. apologies.

Cello

100%

Tuba

92%

Oboe

83%

trombone

83%

Trumpet

75%

French Horn

67%

Violin

58%

Flute

50%

Bassoon

50%

String Bass

42%

Viola

42%

Percussion

25%

Clarinet

17%

If you were in an orchestra, what instrument would match your personality?
created with QuizFarm.com

The Trip to Hillyville

2006-02-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

Last week I visited New Supervisor, who moved to Hillyville during last term. The appointment went well and I am in the process of completing the thesis right now. Quiet and satisfied. (And I'm going to a café tomorrow and I have been to one yesterday.)

Hillyville is about the place where Snow White met her dwarfs. It is small, it is surrounded by little hills and a huge forest, and the bus to the next airport which is quite small, takes one hour. It is isolated. Completely.

There was a conference party I attended. And there were those guys - local guys, guys who work there or who used to study there. And they told me that there is a strong right-wing community in Hillyville. The kind of men-only fraternity whose members fence.

I thought these groups were abolished after WW 2, but apparently I was wrong. I thought that only some old Nazis in the late 50s would join them, but I had never ever thought that nowadays anyone would feel comfortable with those ideas. Of course, I know that some of these groups still exist, but that it is a serious part of the academic community?

Even more surprising, I learned that two of my colleagues belong (or belonged) to such a fraternity. I have always thought that all scholars of my field are left-wing by definition, because the subject we study does not permit a right-wing-nazi point of view. I am shocked.

Better and cleaner

2006-01-26T11:20:00.000-08:00

Wow. I managed to clean half of the kitchen and a bit of the bathroom today. And I showered and got dressed and went to a café to meet an old friend from school.

New Supervisor has emailed. (This is good. I like getting emails from supervisors. I feel welcome.) I think it is not good to freak out about the dissertation. The only thing that makes sense is to think of the problems and try to find answers.

And, most importantly, the dissertation won't be the last thing I've ever written. I am in the process of doing some research with collaboratorix. The dissertation is a requirement that I have to meet in order to get a job. A requirement in order to be able to do more research.

It is not the only thing about me that will be judged!

It is ok to write some dissertation. It does not have to be the best book ever written. Success means that I like my work and that I keep going on.

Why

2006-01-26T03:03:00.000-08:00

I do like to be in a clean apartment. I really do.

If this is so imprtant for me, why do I never clean my apartment?

Today's the day

2006-01-25T01:31:00.000-08:00

Gotta send my manuscript to New Supervisor, because I'm going there next week. I've spent the last days completely freaking out. I am absolutely dissatisfied with my work. I have so many problems. I do not have a solution. I am just repeating what everybody else said before. I do not have a claim on my own.

And yesterday night, I found out that the chapter which I thought of as the core analysis is 1/3 completely wrong. So I have to delete this before I send it. And I want to add several other things at different parts. But its already 10:40 a.mm. noon coming soon.

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

Ex Supervisor told me to read another book of 500 pages. I don't do it. He still tries to disturb my work. Problem: I am not sure how much influence he has on the grading process of my thesis.

Preparing the final draft

2006-01-22T08:41:00.000-08:00

I am engaged in a kinda process of "preparing the final draft" of the thesis. Not really final, but the final one should be done in 4 weeks. Now I try to write as much as I can for New Supervisor.

This is not fun. Although it should be.
My back hurts. My legs hurt. My bones hurt.
Forcing myself to write (which does not guarantee high output) is definitely bad for my body.

And I am feeling confused. Although I do have a plan for all the chapters and a somewhat clear line of thought, I keep having nightmares that I have never looked into book X and that I definitely should at least mention argument Y. Not to forget that person Z said a footnote that one cannot omit.
And so on. And so on. And so on.

Instead of freaking out about all the things I know about but do not have read, I should focus on what I want to say. There is enough work to do this, anyway. I have read enough. I have prepared enough. I should now write all this and then, if time permits, worry about the other things.

Preparing this final version is not fun.

The pelasures of being dressed

2006-01-16T05:50:00.000-08:00

14:45
I finally decided to crawl out of my bed and head for a shower. Then I dressed. Not my PJs, not my yoga pants, but real pants and swater, suitable for leaving the appartment.

Not that I do leave now, but it feels very good. It wouldn't make any sense to go to a library, because the nice ones close between 18 and 19h, so the travel time would be too much. And my laptop battery only lasts for 2 hours, and I have no idea where there are plugs in the libraries.

I might get some milk later and even go for a walk.

Open letter to a friend

2006-01-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

My dear friend,

I did write to you on the occasionn of your birthday, but you don't reply. You don't have any reasonable phone, and you don't have skype either. You cannot expect me to call. I know that your wife and I have different opinions on everything, but I accepted her to play a major role for you.

It sucks that you don't write back. It sucks that you moved far away. I am not going to keep up our relation at any price. You are to decide as well. I would want to chat on skype and I would want to go for a coffee every now and then. I don't mind if your wife joins us.

But today, I'm just pissed that you don't write back.

Best,
WannaBePhD

Breakfast with my iBook

2006-01-15T07:48:00.000-08:00

Today I had (or rather I am still having) a pleasant breakfast with my iBook. It smelled fine. Ever since the late morning I am typing and drinking coffee and eating toast and jogurt. I don't have my favourite raspberry jam today, I only have a mixed-berry jam which is not as good. Have to pick up my favourite one tomorrow when I go for milk.

The best thing: I have been typing my dissertation today! I fixed the hierarchy of the chapters and I am adding examples and text.

I will watch ''Mulholland Drive'' tonight on the TV as a reward. I haven't seen it when it was on the movies, so I'm really looking forward to this.

I don't usually like opera, but today I listened to Nabucco on the radio. It had a very positive effect on my work.

To go or not to go

2006-01-14T07:43:00.000-08:00

I am thinking of going to a café. I would like the one where they play loud music (The Cure, Radiohead), but there' a lot of smoke. The second choice would be tha quiet place I used to go while I was in high school. Again, a lot of smoke.

What I like about those places is that they are not nice and shiny but dirty and worn out. The people there are not carrer demons. Those are places where you go when you have nowhere to go. Places to hang around.

The non-smoking cafés are all very expensive. It seems as if the healthy way of living is tied to money (ok I've known that, e.g. poor people tend to eat more junk food and les vegetables), but I didn't know that this is mirrored in cafés. I am not in the mood of going to a posh place where everything is shiny and there are only old and wealthy people there. Noooo.

So, as I am deciding and deciding and deciding I am still at home. I could work here and then go out to on of the ugly ones later and just read something there, without bringing my precious iBook.

I just don't want to wake up on a Sunday morning and my baby next to me smells like an ashtray. I just can't do it.

Delurking week

2006-01-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

I've no idea when it started or when it's supposed to be over, but I've seen it at numerous places by now.

Hello lurkers! Please leave a comment! You could, for example, tell me what you eat for breakfast. I am the coffee (3 mugs) and jam+toast lady.
[from here]

The perfect job

2006-01-13T07:26:00.000-08:00

Uh uh uh! I just saw an announcement for the perfect job for me! I'm definitely going to apply!!
*Yeah!*

Setting up the defense

2006-01-13T05:13:00.000-08:00

So, I had to contact Ex Supervisor b/c he is the administrative guy. We have to do all the paperwork together setting up the defense (hopefully in June). He keeps making obnoxious comments about New Supervisor. Remember, when I told him that I left for Another Town, he just let me go. Whenever I wanted to talk to him about the problems with my thesis he'd kick me out. There have been reasons for my change.

When I came back from Another Town and told him what I did, he would not sit down and talk it over. We've never really talked ever since.

But now, slightly, more than half a year later, he seems to react. I knew he hated my change.

I just feel pissed and I hate it that I have to go and see him b/c of the paper work.

I am...

2006-01-10T09:43:00.000-08:00

...procrastinating.
Perhaps I will go to my former favourite café later, despite the fact that there will be a lot of smoke.

Dissertation styles

2006-01-10T05:38:00.000-08:00

New Kid writes:

When you write a dissertation, you have to prove to your readers that you have found and addressed every piece of scholarship ever written on anything possibly relevant in any way to your subject.

I have a personal problem with this requirement. For a very long time, I believed that I had to do exactly this. I spent about two years reading everyting that seemed related to my topic. This totally blocked me. One just cannot read everything that has been said before. It is not possible.

New Supervisor changed my attitude towards work. Together we developed a single research question. I continued to sketch a possible answer to that question and to construct arguments for it. My thesis will just focus on that very question and will answer it in detail.

By now, I have read many many papers and books that do not mention some related articles, b/c the authors were just not aware of them or could not read the language in which they were written.

I think that research is a collaborative task, so no one can read (or be required to read) everything. It is good that I know the main pieces of work related to my question, but I cannot continue to work through more and more papers.

Do you think that this will be bad for my grade?

Another thing that New Supervisor told me (and that enormously helped to tackle the blocking state I was in) is not to write for the committee only. I was so scared that I must write The Perfect Book because some members of my committee really are Very Big Scholars (i.e. BigProf from Ivy). Now when I write, I just think that I am explaining my topic to a bunch of students, and that I want to point out why I think the question is important and what the reasons are that I believe what I say.

Reflections on Cafe work

2006-01-10T03:09:00.000-08:00

It was ok, though, the visit to the café yesterday. But there was a lot of smoke, so my precious iBook smells awful today! I so much loved the smell of new plastic it came with. Of course, over the months, it ceased, but a faint of it was still there. Now it's like I'm pushing my fingers into an ashtray.
*yuck*

I've checked, but there are no cafés at walking distance (15mins) that are open after 22h and have a non-smoking area.

Café Blogging

2006-01-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, you do not get this ''live'', b/c I'm blogging from a cafe. My computer doesn't have a wireless device, and I've chosen a plave where's no WLAN anyway.

I'm trying to keep myself away from checking email and from surfing around for so many useless hours.

It somehow works (apart from the fact that I *am* blogging). I have worked for 30 minutes with high concentration. Doing things. Reworking my chapter. Reformulating sentences.

I really must say that writing in English is for me like playing the violin while wearing gloves. I keep searching for words, for phrases. I know I could write 5 times faster in My Native Language. I don't know why, but blogging is not that bad.

I know I should stop to care about my English b/c it blocks me. I know that I will be fine even without worrying. This is *not* a manuscript that I am sending to a publisher. Only my committe will read it (if they do), and most of them are non-English-natives.

The teenager (icky, male, with a very bad hairstyle) accross the room commented about the woman with an Apple laptop (me) to his mates. I have never ever received comments about my computer before! I have used it in public, but only in university contexts such as libraries and classrooms.

If he would just get up and fuck me if he sees my sween iPod nano in the pocket of my coat?

I feel very techie and very up to date. And very rich that I can afford all those nice little toys.

*grin*

I never ever got envied for my ''technical'' appearance before. This is cool!

-------------------
NOTE TO SELF: I will not get out of here until I have finished to do this very chapter. The next thing to do at home is the little graphics with the old Windows machine. I must not get up. No no no no no.

-------------------
QUESTION TO SELF: Ordinary people work 8 hours per day. Why do I want to quit after one????

-------------------
23:03
No. I won't go to the toilet until the subsection is finished.

-------------------
23:08
No. I am not going to recompile my LaTeX file for its own sake. I know my computer can do it.

-------------------
23:14
I just noticed that the battery of my computer only lasts for 2,5 hours! It used to be 6 hours when I bought it almost 2 years ago. Does this mean that I will visit the Apple store soon to get a new one? And to get more memory?

Maybe it comes from the frequent recompiling?

NOTE TO SELF: Do I always have to do two things simultaneously to get myself to concentrate??

Happy New Year!!

2006-01-07T17:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, it is a bit late, but still. Some reflections on 2005 and a wishlist for 2006.

2005 was really, really good. Finally this whole dissertation-supervisor drama worked out. Now that I see my way through, I am a much nicer person. I have started to have more social relations since then. I have a collaboratorix now. We're publishing. I got a paper accepted and one printed and I presented at a Very Important Conference of my field. I managed the whole trip to Another Town. And I even start to like planes again! I really enjoy my profession and I enjoy the travelling.

My wishlist for 2006 is rather short. I do not want to write a list that I should clean my apartment more often or that I should exercise more and eat less junk food. I just wish that I enjoy things more and that I take my time for everything, including eating, exercise, working and cleaning. Even cleaning can be nice, since I love all the stuff that I have in my apartment, so when cleaning, I can say hello to all my books and papers and stuffed animals and whatever.
I do believe that enjoying things more will help me in the process of maintaining my weight and my work.

Happy bunny

2005-12-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

I found some Happy Bunny stuff at a shop downtown! This surprised me, I thought it was sold in the US only. I got keychains and buttons saying

boys are funny when they try to think
farting is fun and makes the room warmer
your ugliness cheers me up
I'm changing my naughty ways to naughtier ones

More Quizzes

2005-12-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

Men See You As Understated

You are an intreguing mix of girl and woman.
You're feminine, quiet, and a total mystery to most men.
Yet they often feel the urge to protect you, even if they don't know you.
You *are* a flirt, but you usually only flirt with those you know well

How Do Men See You?

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds.
You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life.
Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way
You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to
Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets
No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

What Do Guys Like About You?

Your Reputation Is: Mystery Girl

You're the girl that everyone is trying to figure out.
Men are attracted to your intriguing persona - and women want to copy it!

What's Your Reputation?

Quiz Time

2005-12-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

[via PowerProf]

You Are Prancer

You are the perfect reindeer, with perfect hooves and perfect flying form.

Why You're Naughty: Because you're Santa's pet, and you won't let anyone show you up.

Why You're Nice: You have the softest fur and the sweetest carrot breath.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

News from The Thesis

2005-12-09T16:24:00.000-08:00

I think I just figured out the last thing of Part A. I want the Major Claims to be done before christmas. This is next Tuesday. Tomorrow I'll finish the typing of the last thing of Part A.

Today I met a friend of mine who is also a grad student, but he has a job at the university for 4 years. He hasn't written a single page yet b/c his boss keeps him busy with other things. I told him today that I've got more than 100 pages now. He was shocked. I am sorry to have hurt him. I was at the zero pages stage in April, I don't know why, but I have been productive.

Well, he still has his job for 2 1/2 years and I need a new one next fall. Guess that made me write. And gorgeous New Supervisor, of course. Today I just thought of her and remebered that she was writing with a fountain pen. I love fountain pens. About everyone except her and me use ballpens in academia. At least, I have never really seen someone 20+ using a fountain pen.

Question

2005-12-09T03:13:00.000-08:00

Why do I check my email 500 times per day? If I only get 15 messages every day? Do I really believe that I get more messages the more often I check? Do I really believe that if I checked only every 30 minutes I would miss an important thing? If I do this because I want to communicate, I should rather go out with someone. People do not like to send emails every 2 minutes. People prefer face-to-face meetings. Is it the people I miss or am I in love with email itself, not bothering who writes?

Note to self, 2

2005-12-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

me: start working NOW. You have been sitting in front of the computer for 2 1/2 hours.
Me: No.
me: you know you want it done. work.
Me: yeeees. I want it done. There is not very much to do.
me: DO IT NOW. If it's little, it'll be over soon.
Me: Little, unimportant and boooooooring stuff.
Me: I am supposed to have the BIG career. I am supposed to do RESEARCH, not to type that stupid dissertation. I want to go to conferences and have journal articles published. The thesis is booooring. It'll end up in the library anyway.
me: Go to conferences? You ARE going to a conference. Work on your presentation!!
Me: All other scholars are going to MORE conferences than I am. And all other scholars have MORE papers published.
me: All other scholars have DONE their dissertation. FIRST.
Me: I am tired. I feel bad. I don't want to work. I want to blog.
me: you feel more tired and you are going to hate your work even more if you keep procrastinating
Me: But I don't want to do it NOW.
...
...
...
..
.
.

Note to self

2005-12-07T14:42:00.000-08:00

Stop surfing. Stop staring at computer.
You like your work. You think it is fun once you have opened the file and typed one sentence. There is only a few things more to do to the current file.
Lots of other projects are to be done once this fucking dissertation is finished.
Stop surfing. Stop blogging.

Beamer

2005-12-06T13:42:00.000-08:00

I spent the whole day playing aroung with Beamer, the LaTeX plugin for slideshow presentations. This is sooo cooool. My presentation will look verrry beautiful.

This made my day!!

2005-12-06T05:12:00.000-08:00

This story is sooo funny!!!!

But I do not get why it is considered normal to fuck between library shelves but not in an university office.

Why me? And why everything at the same time?

2005-12-06T04:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks, PowerProf, for the snow dance. There is this ugly snowish rain coming down here today. Yuck!

This morning, I had to carry my cello to the car and to hold an umbrella. And then, I had to open the car with a key. Having only two hands, I got wet. Yuck!

After the lesson, I went to the bakery to get some treats, again, carrying the cello and the umbrella. When I got out of the shop, I noticed that both my underpants were slipping down my but and my bra was slipping down my shoulders. Yuck!

How I hate lose underwear!!!

Deleted

2005-12-05T16:33:00.000-08:00

I just deleted the two pages I have written today because they were totally rediculous and don't fit into the chapter at all. This is why I have been struggling with them so hard. I couldn't see their point -- there wasn't any.

Reward approaching!

2005-12-05T13:07:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow (yees, the day after the night where the last three paragraphs were completed), I will have a cello lesson at 11, then go to a museum show (I wanted to see this for months and it's gonna close soon), then have dinner in a city and go to the movies.

Just two and a half more paragraphs to go.

Why is writing so difficult?

2005-12-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

I have it all. The idea. The plan for each paragraph. The papers I'm going to cite.

What is my problem? Why can't I just key it in? The English language is not that difficult! Why do I keep procrastinating? I have a lot of fun things to do after that three paragraphs are written. So, why don't I just write them?

The beneift of academic blogging

2005-12-05T02:36:00.000-08:00

The latest entry of La Lecturess reminds me that I wanted to talk about how much I love the blogging community.

I could see this when I was working with Collaboratorix, who - presumably - is not blogging.

All those stories from each of you, about the process of getting a job, about the fights with faculty members, about the insecurities, the doubt that it is oneself who might me too stupid for the academic world. This has brought me so much self-confidence!

It is really the same thing everywhere. So it is not my personal fault if I get into a troubeling situation.

And, yeah, a final point: even the blogs of more advanced collegues are very helpful, because I get to know how they feel about work and students, so it helps me to better understand the beliefs and desires of the Real Professors I meet.

Christmas

2005-12-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

It is strange. It is the first time after approx. 15 years that I am not completely pissed when I hear a christmas song on the radio. I even laughed and thought it was fun when I heard Last Christmas for the first time this year a couple of days ago.

Usually, I would mark that day as Shit-Times-Begin-Day and would be angry for hours.

Do I like christmas again?
How can this be?

The end of Weirdo Friend

2005-12-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

As promised, I wanted to write about the end of my relationship with Weirdo Friend

As you maybe have in mind, I had a troubeling friendship for a while. Every now and then I thought of calling him again, but - mostly thanks to Anastasia and Mistaken - I didn't.

He invited me to his birthday party some weeks ago, but I didn't accept. I told him that I feel bad about our relation and that I wanted to talk. Up to now, we didn't, so it's finally and completely over. And I'm absolutely happy with that!

The interesting point is, that last fall I found out what went wrong. I keep feeling that I'm getting to be an adult more and more because I get to know my own needs and wants more and more. I guess, to know what one wants is the first step. The second step, expressing the desires, is only the follow-up.

Regarding Weirdo Friend, I think what I was looking for in this friendship is an academic collaborator. And what he was looking for was a companion (or maybe a girlfriend; not sure on this). I got furious when he didn't help me emotionally when I went to Another Town last spring. I felt so bad at that time and I needed a friend who was willing to support me. I wanted to discuss my fear of the journey, of finding an appartment, of meeting the big professors over there, of having to give a presentation, of talking to New Supervisor.

He was so furious when I told him I'd go there. He kept saying that the whole idea of going to Another Town was completely rediculous etc.

I just couldn't stand him anymore.

But now, after things have calmed down, I think it is just that the two of us were looking for different things. Different things in life and different things in a friendship. He is not interested in an academic carreer (he is not interessted in any career). And I do not share his spare time activities at all. We even disagree on the types of cafés we like.

I am so glad I know myself better now. And I am happy that I do not have to have fights with him without knowing the reasons for the disagreement.

New Supervisor and why I am so happy

2005-11-30T12:49:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know that I have almost given up blogging. I really feel happy and satisfied with my life right now. As you might know, I have switched to New Supervisor from Another Town in March. I am back in my home town now, and also the relationship with Ex Supervisor has improved considerably.

First, I feel so relieved because New Supervisor helped me to develop a plan for my dissertation. The thesis has grown by now, the major part will be completed by Christmas, and I am thinking of handing it in by the end of January. Knowing where I am in my work and having the feeling of control where it goes took away most of my desperate feelings. So, as a conclusion, if anyone feels unhappy in his or her relationship with the supervisor, I can really recommend to go for a change.

The relationship back here to Ex Supervisor has improved as well because I have stopped to get on his nerves with my work. When I look back, one of the problems was that I needed help in my work and he was unable to give it. I don't know why, but it just didn't work at all.
Now, I don't "force" him to anything, so matters are de-escalated.

All together, my personal feelings have improved. Apparently, I have almost stopped to sit in front of my computer, spending night after night being desperate.

I have to tell more about Weirdo Friend and my social life at a later point.

Collaboratorix

2005-11-30T12:35:00.000-08:00

I have a Collaboratorix! I do! I do! I do!

I took all my strength, facing my fear that my work might get stolen, and asked a senior researcher at My Department to write a joint paper for a conference. I think it worked! We had some ideas, got some results, and submitted.

I thought that my fear that my work might get stolen isolates me. It drives me away from people. I really thought it was time to change this. So I chose a topic which is not related to my dissertation and a person that is not my friend. Just in case things go wrong. So I'd not lose too much.

Up to now, it really worked, and our thing is getting big. Probably we'll continue and submit to a Big Important Journal.

I know that I have all these fears b/c I got hurt before with my Ex Friend. But when I share my work and my ideas, I also gain something. I will have more publications, and I can learn from Collaboratorix how she works.

Novel writing

2005-11-01T14:50:00.000-08:00

Does writing an abstract for a conference count for the NaNoWriMo? If not, then I still have produced the magical number of zero words.

nanpwrimo

2005-10-31T11:23:00.000-08:00

Oh no. Just learned that NaNoWriMo is starting in a couple of hours!! I wanted to participate so much this year!! I just feel I won't have the time. Is it ok to write just ONE page every day? I must go and check the guidelines..... If I participate, I won't write in English but in my mother tongue, so you probably won't ever read it.

Bad girl has forgotten about blogging for a while

2005-10-31T11:11:00.000-08:00

Today I finally got Hello Kitty Roller Rescue, the video game I have been wanting for so long. I haven't played it yet, because I have to write an abstract today and I'll play as a reward.

I had a pretty good time the last couple of weeks. I was in Another Town, meeting New Supervisor and a bunch of other cool people.

I got accepted for a really big scholar conference. It took me three days to understand that I got accepted, and that it was because of my abstract. Nobody of the committee knows neither me nor my work. Yeah.

Dating: Finally, I had a date with one guy from my local match.com. He turned out to be a former classmate of mine, i.e. we did one course together about 8 years ago. His writing was quite nice, but at the date he felt such a jerk to me. He gave 23 cents as a tip to the waitress, so she had to fiddle around with coins for 5 minutes, because she had to give him back 77 cents.
*sigh*

Ney thingy

2005-09-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

I have a new thingy! I have a new thingy! I do I do I do!
No, it is NOT the Hello Kitty Computer Game which I strive for. It is a special cushion that keeps me moving while sitting in front of my computer. It is said to be good for the spine because the spine keeps moving, the muscles get stronger and whatever.
Well I love it! I feel better when I'm sitting at my desk! YEAH!
I'm going to take it to the next conference.

State of the art

2005-09-28T13:41:00.000-07:00

Gotta submit Revised Part I of dissertation by saturday.
Keep eating and eating and omitting exercise.
Wanna clean my apartment, shop for groceries and go to the movies. 3 1/2 more days to go.
Haven't got the Hello Kitty game yet.
Going to Another Town soon!!

Hello Kitty computer game

2005-09-16T17:14:00.000-07:00

This is very good news for me. Excellent news! I've just learned that there is a Hello Kitty game. Reviews are available here and here.

I love Hello Kitty and I love video game, so I'm happy that the two are combined now.

But there's more to that. I've always thought that video games are designed only for boys. In particular, I felt that it is the graphics and the colors that appeal to boys and that keep girls away.

It is interesting that both of the reviews point out that the colors of the game are so particular. And that there is a special focus on cuteness. They agree that the Hello Kitty game is not useful for the usual player, because the cuteness is too much.

The second reviewer even draws a close comparison to the usual beat-em-up games and is quite astonished that girls would like to play such a violent kind of game too, as soon as the colors are changed.

I really believe that one of the aspects of video games is that the player needs to react fast. It is only the outer "shell" and the graphics that distinguishes Tetris from Tekken and Space Invaders from Hello Kitty.

And, one more point, I would like to see a review for the latest blood game like this: It is an easy to use computer game with many different levels .... But the colors and the violence only appeals to a very small audience of male adolescents.

Funeral

2005-09-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard anything about the funeral yet. I keep wondering wheter it'll be an official, governmental funeral because he died while he was on duty.

I've tried to work in the last couple of days. At least I've submitted two (almost identical) abstracts for conferences. Today I've emailed New Supervisor. Haven't heard anything since about three months (ok it was summer vacation time).

I want to start rewriting the Chapter of Dissertation tomorrow. And to stop thinking.

Hurricane

2005-09-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

Although I feel sorry for the people around New Orleans, I do hope that it has one good consequence and people from Jesus Land think before voting next time.

More death

2005-09-06T05:21:00.000-07:00

Yust learned that a friend of mine, 25, died yesterday in a car crash while on duty ofr the army.

Shocked: another academic death

2005-09-06T04:23:00.000-07:00

I've calmed down by now. I got to know it last Friday. Another student, after 7 years (or so) has quit because of Ex Supervisor without finishing the MA thesis. I think shes written about 50 pages by now. Like only one more chapter and one big revision missing.

Learning English

2005-08-30T04:29:00.000-07:00

As you know, I always suffer that I cannot express myself the way I want in English. So, I've started a new strategy on language improvement: I'm working through English Vocabulary in Use - advanced which is full of words I've never heard before.

(Biographical note: I've stopped learning English after I quit high school, went to England, came back, had a nervous brak-down. Now, old and wise, I know that the level of English one achives during high-school is quite low, although I've passed several English exams when I was 17.)

To start, I've decided to study the chapter on aversion, a feeling I experience quite often. It is useful for me to describe every shade of it. The book said: repulse, scorn, loathness, revulsion, abhorrence and a couple of more related adjectives.

The task for now: match each of the expressions to the corresponding face!

Self-promotion

2005-08-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

I just came across a colleague's web page. He's a grad student at Stanford, doing My Subject. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw his list of publications. It was soooo incredible long. Unbelievable. I thought he - being about my age - must have started publishing when he was around 12.

Then I took a closer look: He listed all papers he ever wrote. ALL of them. Yes, including term papers. Yes, including drafts for presentations he did as an undergraduate.

Is this the way it's done today? I have always thought that one ought to provide a list with Major Publications which includes only blind peer-reviewed papers and presentations.

Nerd test

2005-08-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

[seen on various places]

Pure Nerd

82 % Nerd, 47% Geek, 39% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.

The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.

Congratulations!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 91% on nerdiness
You scored higher than 70% on geekosity
You scored higher than 71% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid

My favourite dictionary

2005-08-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

I've hated working with dictionaries for the last couple of years. After graduating from high school, around the time when I was diving into the glamorous world of academia, I found that my old school dictionary didn't make it anymore. So I got new dictionaries. Huuuuuuuge ones. Biiiiig ones. Of course, the information in there was good, but their size was just to heavy for my daily use.

But now, only revently, I found the dictionary of my dreams on the web. It is the The Free Dictionary. It has synonyms, antonyms, you can hear the pronounciation, and, my very favourite, every entry comes with several original uses from the literature!

Avoidance

2005-08-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

Spent just another week at grandma's. Wanted to avoid that little conference that was going on here, because I didn't want to see Ex Supervisor. I told Ex Supervisor that I'd need a new job in 6 months. Problem: Ex Supervisor is the only one in charge for My Subject around here. He told me he has no job for me and that he'll call me in August. My job would me a project, but he doesn't want to get me one.

So. Didn't want to see Ex Supervisor.

And now, gotta do some groceries.

The new schedule = the new social life

2005-08-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

As promised before my vacation, I wanted to make a schedule. Well, I didn't. But I decided to employ a completely new principle. Completely new to me, at least. I decided to have spare time, and to take part in social activities with people not belonging to academia.

So, I didn't spend the week end working or procrastinating, but I did social activities. On saturday, I went to a birthday party from a girl who is working in the creative industry. She runs an advertising company. Her appartment is so beautiful! She has a pent house with a huge balcony and a view over the whole city. Her male friends, all working in the creative business as well, were the most beautiful non-gay men I've ever seen. Everyone of them was tanned, shaved and had a nice hair cut. Their fingers including their fingernails were clean! They are easy going people, ready to talk. And: they all seem to be workoholics like I am, staying at the office from 10 a.m. until after midnight (they can't work at home because they need special computers and pens and desks). Two of them told me they never go out and they don't even know the up-to-date bars around town. I feel so relieved that I am not the only person not going out regularly!!

I thought of flirting. Well, to admit, I have made another thought change. I am definitely seeking a new boyfriend! But it was quite hard for me with all those unknown people. The first round was to talk to some of them and to find out what they're doing. In the second round, I started to check whether they had girlfriends. The third round wold have been to decide which one I liked and to start to talk to him, but at that time I was already too tired.

I made a new friend there. She's a photographer and very outgoing. I thought maybe I can meet her and hang out together. And maybe I can get to know her friends.

Today, there was a brunch some guy organzied. He has got the same grant as I do. There were about 20 people there, most of them male. I talked to three of them intensively. It was very nice. They were/are all excellent students, having degrees in more than one subject. Some of them are doing their dissertations right now, others have jobs already. It was so pleasurable because they understood what I am doing and why. And they all speak different languages and can talk about lots of different subjects.
I didn't know how to make friends with them. I only exchanged emails with one guy who is doing something I did as an undergraduate. I guess time will tell. I'll go to the next meeting.

What is the best tactic? Asking for the phone number directly? Giving one's own phone number?

Finally, I have a new cello teacher (my former one is for vacation). She's very cool - playing the cello wearing a mini skirt! And, I saw her brother today. Verrrry sexy!

Back from vacation: Bush meets nazi & catholic tradition

2005-08-06T02:48:00.000-07:00

Hi my blogging friends, I'm back from my summer vacation - calmed down and relaxed! I had thought of blogging quite often, but it was not possible for technical reasons. (Just a short update on my academic life: I've decided to finish up the dissertation and then look for another job, be it in academia or not. I'm ready to take a change!).

Interestingly, there was a huge country party at my grandma's place. There were several line dancing groups. It seems that in even - or in particular in - the tiniest villages over here there are line dancing groups. All the free time activities are organized in line dancing groups. They love the "American way of life", i.e. they love being WASPs and cowboys etc.

To me, this is so awful. It reminds me of the old nazi organizations where they had to exercise in groups. And the bad thing is, this is so following Bush. These people have strong catholic roots and thex just pick up that cowboy thing and I'm sure they even love Bush's politics. That event was even sponsored by our conservative party.

Cleaning up

2005-07-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

It's 3 a.m. over here and I'm just finished with cleaning up my appartment. I'm going on vacation tomorrow and I thought there were some bills to pay. Beneath the piles and piles of papers I found four payment forms, indeed. So I can still trust my memory! I had to sort all the receipts - phone bills, heating bills, health insurance. The heating bills were from 2003! I've never figured out how they work, I might do that when I'm back.

And then, I flipped through my book shelf. The novel and fiction part of my shelf! I found several books I bought and I wanted to read. I kept pondering (is this the right word?) and finally came up with the final solution for all my problems. Well, not all my bad problems, but some of them. The work-life balance one.

I need a schedule!

I need working time (including writing time, sketching time, surfing the web for new papers time, reading time, etc.), I need a special reading time (like reading novels) and I need a special reading place. I've got a huge sofa which was purchased exactly for this purpose, but I'd prefer an outdoor place, at least for the warmer months. I have to figure out exactly where I'll go to. It should be a meadow b/c I should by lying (the spine...). And I need a dedicated cleaning time every week. And I should schedule one social activity every week, like having coffee or diner with a friend (not one like going to the theate alone).

Yeah, I really think this is the key idea. I should schedule myself free time. I really should.
Guess I'll be working on that schedule over the next weeks.

The Unforgiven

2005-07-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

Thank you all on your comments. Yes, you are absolutely right. I am grown up by now. This means I know what I need and I know what harms me. It is only wise to avoid the things which harm or hurt me (like Ex Supervisor, Ex My Mr Perfect, Weirdo Friend).
I did not call these people just because I was lonely.
I sort of have a new friend over here. She's my brother's ex girlfriend. I like her. She's very friendly and she wants to be my friend, too.

I think one of my long-standing problems was/is that I always think I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to be friends with certain people (like Ex My Mr Perfect), I'm not good enough to be a "good student" (like Ex Supervisor). I have thought so often that I am not cool and that all my friends are really shit people. I so often felt that I am a second class person. I thought that if I only made it to be friends with some of the Cool Guys I would be "better".

I think I now really tackle this problem. I have New Supervisor now who is happy that I am her student. Who thinks my research is interesting and who believes that I'll be able to finish the dissertation. I understand now (thanks to your comments) that I am worth more that running after Ex My Mr Perfect. I do not deserve this kind of behavior!! And I don't call people who I didn't like in the first place in the deepest corner of my heart like Weirdo Friend just because I'm lonely.

I start to think that I am a "cool" person because I am the way I am. I am doing the things I do because I like them (like my research, like the books I read, like blogging etc). And this is cool. If some people think it is stupid, it is their problem, not mine.

The meme that shall not be named

2005-07-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

I got tagged by Stewgad a while ago. Thank you!

1. What are the three stupidest things you’ve done in your life?
(a) When I was 4 I ironed my doll's dress. It melted.
(b) When I was 2 I cot my doll's hair. Thought it would grow again. It didn't.
(c) Ate until I got sick.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?
Myself. I'm an egomaniac.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to pick up to five people to dine with, who would you pick?
(a) John Lennon
(b) George Harrison
(c) Jacqueline du Pré
(d) Janis Joplin
(e) Falco
Yes, I have a faible for dead pop stars.

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?
(a) Get a long term job in My Country
(b) Not be there when my grandma dies
(c) Be there when my grandma dies

5. Someone is visiting your small town. Name two things you regret your city not having and two things people should avoid.
(a) second hand book stores
(b) a lake
(c) there are several ghettos of Turkish people one better avoids
(d) public transport in rush hour when raining

6. Name One Event that Has Changed your Life:
Ex My Mr Perfect told me he didn't love me

I don't know who to tag, guess everyone has done it by now.

The paper!

2005-07-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

It is finished! It is!!
I've just sent it to the English corrector!

I am RELIEVED!

And, even better: I'm going on vacation on Saturday!

Work and recreation policy

2005-07-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am still alive. I try to keep myself off from blogging.
Yes, I still rewrite the paper. Everyday, I tell myself today I'll be finished.
This has been going on for weeks.
Yes, I have stopped exercising and started to eat junk food (because it would be an exception for only one day).
Yes, I feel burned out and tired.
Yes, something's wrong with my work/recreation schedule.

Wrrrrmmmm--->

2005-07-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

I am working. I am rewriting the paper to be published. I am working, yeees!!------>>

To forgive or not to forgive

2005-07-05T05:44:00.000-07:00

Why?
I was just searching for some pictures in my old computer (got it 5 1/2 years ago, still haven't copied all of the data on its disk). I found lots and lots of pictures (most of them cartoons) which reminded me of my life 4 and 5 years ago.

What?
It reminded me how lonely I am. It reminded me of all the friends I had. In particular, one friend, one very close friend. In 2002 she did something to me that I cannot forgive her. I cannot trust her anymore. I didn't want to be close to her anymore. The year after she moved to another continent.
Although she hurt me like nobody else before did, I miss her company.

How?
I miss sending emails to each other, I miss talking on the phone for hours, I miss sending comics and greeting cards, I miss gossipping over a coffee together.
I miss exchanging thoughts and ideas. I feel like I haven't been creative at all since we split up.

Really?
Am I really not creative because the loss of a friend? Or is it that I had to write a MA thesis and now the dissertation which is different from undergrad life anyway? And this is not connected to the loss of a friend?

To forgive?
Remember that weirdo friend of mine? He was getting so much on my nerves that we've split up when I was in Another Town. Should I forgive him? Should I call him? Because I am lonely? I don't miss him. He's not going to tell me anything I would appreciate. I just miss someone.

Or not to forgive?
If someone really hurt me or got on my nerves so massively that I couldn't stand it anymore, is it the right thing to do to split up? Or should I forgive and call again? Even if it is perfectly clear that I will get hurt again within the first 5 or 10 minuter?

Construction site

2005-07-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

Why did no one like my construction site meme? I thought it was so funny. In summer, construction sites are appearing everywhere around here. They can't do the work in winter because of the snow.

Mixed news over here

2005-07-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

Um, I have not been blogging very much lately. This means I am not desparately trying to work and blogging like hell instead. It means I have tried to relax and enjoy the first weekend of my summer holidays. YEAH!

The essay is still not finished, but I try to keep going one or two hours every day. I just don't worry anymore.
Today I went to a café to do this. So pelasant. It has a nice garden. Surrounded by trees with a view into the vine yards.

I've got a pile of new books (only fiction and novels) for the summer. Yummy! It is waiting for me on my desk.

I have cleaned my appartment. Everything looks so nice.

I am just so happy and relaxed because I have a plan for my dissertation and I'll see the people of my department only by the end of October, so it's FOUR months of quiet work completely on my own. Nobody is getting on my nerves. AAaaaaahhh!!

I'm planning to do some longer walks around the local mountains and vine yards. And I'll go to a café every other day.

Construction site meme

2005-06-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

Rageyone has started a construction site meme.
Here I go!

This hole has been created about two weeks ago.