Wanna Be PhD

PhD 2006. Now fully blown by the Postdoc Experience.

Location: My Appartment, Academic Nowhereland

Email: wannabephd@gmail.com

Friday, July 15, 2005

Cleaning up

It's 3 a.m. over here and I'm just finished with cleaning up my appartment. I'm going on vacation tomorrow and I thought there were some bills to pay. Beneath the piles and piles of papers I found four payment forms, indeed. So I can still trust my memory! I had to sort all the receipts - phone bills, heating bills, health insurance. The heating bills were from 2003! I've never figured out how they work, I might do that when I'm back.

And then, I flipped through my book shelf. The novel and fiction part of my shelf! I found several books I bought and I wanted to read. I kept pondering (is this the right word?) and finally came up with the final solution for all my problems. Well, not all my bad problems, but some of them. The work-life balance one.

I need a schedule!

I need working time (including writing time, sketching time, surfing the web for new papers time, reading time, etc.), I need a special reading time (like reading novels) and I need a special reading place. I've got a huge sofa which was purchased exactly for this purpose, but I'd prefer an outdoor place, at least for the warmer months. I have to figure out exactly where I'll go to. It should be a meadow b/c I should by lying (the spine...). And I need a dedicated cleaning time every week. And I should schedule one social activity every week, like having coffee or diner with a friend (not one like going to the theate alone).

Yeah, I really think this is the key idea. I should schedule myself free time. I really should.
Guess I'll be working on that schedule over the next weeks.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Unforgiven

Thank you all on your comments. Yes, you are absolutely right. I am grown up by now. This means I know what I need and I know what harms me. It is only wise to avoid the things which harm or hurt me (like Ex Supervisor, Ex My Mr Perfect, Weirdo Friend).
I did not call these people just because I was lonely.
I sort of have a new friend over here. She's my brother's ex girlfriend. I like her. She's very friendly and she wants to be my friend, too.

I think one of my long-standing problems was/is that I always think I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to be friends with certain people (like Ex My Mr Perfect), I'm not good enough to be a "good student" (like Ex Supervisor). I have thought so often that I am not cool and that all my friends are really shit people. I so often felt that I am a second class person. I thought that if I only made it to be friends with some of the Cool Guys I would be "better".

I think I now really tackle this problem. I have New Supervisor now who is happy that I am her student. Who thinks my research is interesting and who believes that I'll be able to finish the dissertation. I understand now (thanks to your comments) that I am worth more that running after Ex My Mr Perfect. I do not deserve this kind of behavior!! And I don't call people who I didn't like in the first place in the deepest corner of my heart like Weirdo Friend just because I'm lonely.

I start to think that I am a "cool" person because I am the way I am. I am doing the things I do because I like them (like my research, like the books I read, like blogging etc). And this is cool. If some people think it is stupid, it is their problem, not mine.

The meme that shall not be named

I got tagged by Stewgad a while ago. Thank you!

1. What are the three stupidest things you’ve done in your life?
(a) When I was 4 I ironed my doll's dress. It melted.
(b) When I was 2 I cot my doll's hair. Thought it would grow again. It didn't.
(c) Ate until I got sick.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?
Myself. I'm an egomaniac.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to pick up to five people to dine with, who would you pick?
(a) John Lennon
(b) George Harrison
(c) Jacqueline du Pré
(d) Janis Joplin
(e) Falco
Yes, I have a faible for dead pop stars.

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?
(a) Get a long term job in My Country
(b) Not be there when my grandma dies
(c) Be there when my grandma dies

5. Someone is visiting your small town. Name two things you regret your city not having and two things people should avoid.
(a) second hand book stores
(b) a lake
(c) there are several ghettos of Turkish people one better avoids
(d) public transport in rush hour when raining

6. Name One Event that Has Changed your Life:
Ex My Mr Perfect told me he didn't love me

I don't know who to tag, guess everyone has done it by now.

The paper!

It is finished! It is!!
I've just sent it to the English corrector!


And, even better: I'm going on vacation on Saturday!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Work and recreation policy

Yes, I am still alive. I try to keep myself off from blogging.
Yes, I still rewrite the paper. Everyday, I tell myself today I'll be finished.
This has been going on for weeks.
Yes, I have stopped exercising and started to eat junk food (because it would be an exception for only one day).
Yes, I feel burned out and tired.
Yes, something's wrong with my work/recreation schedule.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


I am working. I am rewriting the paper to be published. I am working, yeees!!------>>

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

To forgive or not to forgive

I was just searching for some pictures in my old computer (got it 5 1/2 years ago, still haven't copied all of the data on its disk). I found lots and lots of pictures (most of them cartoons) which reminded me of my life 4 and 5 years ago.

It reminded me how lonely I am. It reminded me of all the friends I had. In particular, one friend, one very close friend. In 2002 she did something to me that I cannot forgive her. I cannot trust her anymore. I didn't want to be close to her anymore. The year after she moved to another continent.
Although she hurt me like nobody else before did, I miss her company.

I miss sending emails to each other, I miss talking on the phone for hours, I miss sending comics and greeting cards, I miss gossipping over a coffee together.
I miss exchanging thoughts and ideas. I feel like I haven't been creative at all since we split up.

Am I really not creative because the loss of a friend? Or is it that I had to write a MA thesis and now the dissertation which is different from undergrad life anyway? And this is not connected to the loss of a friend?

To forgive?
Remember that weirdo friend of mine? He was getting so much on my nerves that we've split up when I was in Another Town. Should I forgive him? Should I call him? Because I am lonely? I don't miss him. He's not going to tell me anything I would appreciate. I just miss someone.

Or not to forgive?
If someone really hurt me or got on my nerves so massively that I couldn't stand it anymore, is it the right thing to do to split up? Or should I forgive and call again? Even if it is perfectly clear that I will get hurt again within the first 5 or 10 minuter?

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Construction site

Why did no one like my construction site meme? I thought it was so funny. In summer, construction sites are appearing everywhere around here. They can't do the work in winter because of the snow.

Mixed news over here

Um, I have not been blogging very much lately. This means I am not desparately trying to work and blogging like hell instead. It means I have tried to relax and enjoy the first weekend of my summer holidays. YEAH!

The essay is still not finished, but I try to keep going one or two hours every day. I just don't worry anymore.
Today I went to a café to do this. So pelasant. It has a nice garden. Surrounded by trees with a view into the vine yards.

I've got a pile of new books (only fiction and novels) for the summer. Yummy! It is waiting for me on my desk.

I have cleaned my appartment. Everything looks so nice.

I am just so happy and relaxed because I have a plan for my dissertation and I'll see the people of my department only by the end of October, so it's FOUR months of quiet work completely on my own. Nobody is getting on my nerves. AAaaaaahhh!!

I'm planning to do some longer walks around the local mountains and vine yards. And I'll go to a café every other day.