Wanna Be PhD

PhD 2006. Now fully blown by the Postdoc Experience.

Location: My Appartment, Academic Nowhereland

Email: wannabephd@gmail.com

Monday, January 31, 2005

Moving Thoughts

I didn't finish the chapter and I didn't write the abstract.
I guess I'm just a little depressed, always tired and unable to work. I reread my therapy book yesterday night. I will be fine. Just got to deal with the depression.

I have the following reasons for going to Another Town. A friend of mine is so upset about it, but I can't tell him the true reasons (because he's part of them):

  • All close friends are married by now or are getting married. They have a family life now. I do not have daily phone calls anymore.

  • All close friends have jobs now. So they do not have time during the day and they are tired (or working) in the evenings.

  • I have no boyfriend or husband.
  • I work on my own in my appartment.
  • I want to have some colleagues around to talk to (I will have this in Another Town because I get an office there).
  • I want to have a close friend to talk to (hopefully I will find one there; or hopefully My Mr Perfect will be).
  • All the people I have contact with are my mom and that friend who is upset now.
  • That friend and I have different goals for life. I do not love him. I will not have a family with him. He is not in academia. etc.
  • I mostly see old people when I get out of My Appartment.

Sunday, January 30, 2005


Almost 2 am. My feet are cold. I have no more milk for my coffee. Reread that !"ยง$%&-paper I copied 1999.
My work IS important. The big scholars are missing a point.

Work Resistance

My energy is still gone. Now it's midnight. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now. Spent the day in bed. Got up at 5 pm. Showered at 8 pm. I have drawn a picture of the organization of the data on a piece of paper. Gotta write this shit down tonight. Supervisor is waiting. I am tired. I wanna sleep. I just can't force myself to work anymore.
I looked at a paper which I photocopied in 1999 and read it about twice a year. But only 10 minutes ago I noticed HOW important it is for my work. Gotta reread it. Tonight. Don't want to.

Yes, I do love My Subject and I think my thesis topic is really cool and important, but I'm just too tired.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Abstract Submission

I've finished reading the paper! Finally! And it is soooo great. It points toward a soluition of one of my problems. I am thinking now of submitting an abstract to a Major Conference. I wanted to do this ever since the CfP came out, but I had nothing to send them. Problem: The deadline is February 1st. So I have to do this on my own. Supervisor is unreachable over the week end and wouldn't be very helpful either.
Do you think it is ok to send them just one page (the limit is two pages) probably containing English language mistakes???

Profgrrrrl has been complaining about isolation. Well, I am pretty isolated here, too. Academically. Noone is really helpful. Most of the days I spend alone in My Appartmend. I remember the times when I had a collegue. We used to chat over a coffee about our academic problems. What happened to our relationship is another story, and I do not miss her personally, but sometimes I really miss someone to talk to about academic stuff.

Dear visitors,

I know that at least some people are reading my blog because of my webcounter. Why don't you leave a comment? Just sayy "hi"? I'd be happy!!

Tryin' to work

I am reading a paper for three days now. It has only 41 pages, without the references even only 38 pages. It is a very important and interesting paper. I will have a chapter on it in my thesis.
BUT: I cannot concentrate. Not at all. I've been through it once, now I'm underlining the three most important words for each paragraph and write a note on each page what is important. I hope I will make it through today. I neeeeed to write so much. Supervisor is waiting!! And I'm going on vacation on Monday, so I really got to get this done today and finish the writing (including a review by the supervisor) BEFORE I leave for Another Town.
(I AM SOOOO IN LOVE STILL) I can't stop making plans how to persuade My Mr Perfect to come and visit me in Another Town.

Friday, January 28, 2005

oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah!!

I think you all know what' going on here. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHHOOOOOOOO IN LOVE..... *gringringrin*

And the dissertation crisis has calmed down a bit. I talked to my supervisor yesterday. Told her that I had zero pages after 18 months of work. She told me that there is no problem and that I should write the data part now (which is no problem, I have the data). And there is enough time and money left for the rest of the thesis and that my brain is still there and that everything will be fine.

Guess what love-sick WannaBe is now going to do? Work very hard on the thesis.... (testies again)
I hate you so bad
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Perfect Stories

Soooo, when did I see My Mr Perfect again? It was today, in fact. Pretty soon. Remember, I called him to say thank you for the party last week end. I again did my best then: said thanx and hung up. Very polite.

But, as it is My Mr Perfect, he wasn't bothered by this kind of stupid action.
So today I ran into him. I just asked him if he wanted to have a coffee. He did want, so we did have coffee and ...YEEEEEEEEEEEES... he did touch my hand again.
Note that he (a) was not drunk today and (b) we were alone at the cafe (ok, there were other people around but not with us).

*very big smile*


Today it came. Snow. Lots of snow.

- I am not in New England - but my windows are covered 35 cm with snow. It came all down between 11 am and 5 pm. It is beautiful!! Temperature approx. -5 C

And, as my windows are covered with snow, my appartment gets warmer. There is no more wind coming in now.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

What's wrong with me?

Ever since last Friday night I am either so happy that I feel like I'm gonna explode or I'm so depressed that I'm lying in my bed and can't stop crying.
The first thing is because My Mr Perfect touched my hand last Friday, the second thing is because my dissertation is zero despite the work of 18 months.
This feels just too extreme.

Saturday, January 22, 2005


The party...with My Mr Perfect...he touched my hand..."by accident" on purpose.... know what I mean?

I am so overwhelmed!!!!!!

Gonna call him tomorroy and say thank you for the invitation.

Any other suggestions?

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Another Department

Jay, I just received an email from Another Department in Another Town. They are happy that I will come, they offered me a desk (I do not have an office at My Department) and they asked me if I wanted to give a talk. Jippiiiee!! This will polish my CV for 2005 if I don't make it into real conferences.

Profgrrrrl, do you wanna know which town it is? I thought the thing about blogs is that they are anonymous, so that everybody can say how much they hated their departments (which is, of course, not true in general, but it's so lovely to be able to say it sometimes).
Another Town is just a major city in Europe.

Crawling ot of my bed...

...what do I see?

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


I am so excited! I'm gonna move! I'm gonna move!!!
New City, New Department! New Library! New Theatre!
And I have so many plans for the week ends! I've got to go to Town 1 once, and Town 2 on another day. There is this HUGE computer fair in Town 2. Yeah!!! I think it is the biggest of Europe!
And I could make a trip to the SEA!!!
This is gonna be SOOOOO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!
Jippie jay jey!!

Moving News

I have found an appartment. Finally. It costs 330$ for 6 weeks, full furniture and internet (but no high speed :-().
The girl who lives there called me today. She sounds nice. She doesn't own a TV, like I do. And she owns a couple of musical instrument, but unfortunately no cello.
This search was really exhausting. I almost thought I won't make it.
I hope this works out!

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Search for an appartment

I'm trying to find a readonable appartment in Another Town via internet. This is not easy. Problem: Most of the ad-sites are commercial, so you have to pay if you want to have the phone number. Problem 2: I don't know the city and I don't know which parts are dangerous. Problem 3: I don't want to spend more than 250 $ per month. You do get a lot of rooms in shared appartments. bit I'm not sure if I want this.

And aaaaaall the friends I have called who have relatives in Another Town just don't help.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Dreaming over an old Queen song

Guess what happened. I called My Mr Perfect. And now I'm dreaming.... We're going out Friday next week. How beautiful!
Ever since that phone call I am listening to:

Love of my life you've hurt me
You've broken my heart and now you leave me
Love of my life can't you see
Bring it back bring it back
Don't take it away from me
Because you don't know
What it means to me

Love of my life don't leave me
You've taken my love you now desert me
Love of my life can't you see
Bring it back bring it back
Don't take it away from me
Because you don't know
What it means to me

You will remember
When this is blown over
And everything's all by the way
When I grow older
I will be there at your side to remind you
How I still love you I still love you

Back hurry back
Please bring it back home to me
Because you don't know
What it means to me
Love of my life
Love of my life

I like it so much, because the Love of my life did something really awful. But since it is the Love of my life this still doesn't destroy the relationship, although the love has gone.
This is what I think of real love. It survives everything.

Thursday, January 13, 2005


I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.

I want to be evil. I do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason I may turn to the good side. Besides I am probably a miserable evil genius.

I have some artistic ability, but it is probably a hobby and doesn't drive my life into a dark abysmal hole were I am alone and against the world.

I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!

So what does this mean?
... I am really working hard on my thesis today! :-)

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Blank Brain

Has anybody experienced the same?
My brain is blank. Empty. Out of order. For months.
Will it ever start to work again? When?
Is there any way to make it work again?
I have no more energy to work on my dissertation. By now, the research question has changed. I know now that the initial question was too big. I know now that I have to look at smaller pieces. I know what the pieces are.
But I just can't go on working. I wanna lie in my bed and hide and never come out again.
I am thinking of going to my doctor and tell him that I am tired, out of energy and out of ideas.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Oh, yeah, by the way, remember all the venuses in the horoscope of My Mr Perfect? He didn't fall in love with me, neither today nor yesterday. At least he didn't call me and I didn't see him.
Perhaps he fell in love with me secretly, who knows?


As seen by Profgrrrrl

I am nerdier than 90% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

Why that? Only 'cause I did some math and programming? And 'cause I don't go out and spend my evenings reading and working? And 'cause I own a lot of colored pencils?

Other people DON'T?

So embarrassing!

Today I met a collegue who I saw last in August. I was asked: what news about your dissertation? What progress did you make? What are you working on?

No progress. No real problem. No research plan.
Only bits and pieces of stuff.


Ok, I'll have another go at Another University soon, hopefully I'll meet someone to work with there. But in fact I stopped worrying about my thesis some time ago. I'm just thinking that I'm just not bright enough for My Subject, that's it. And I keep thinking about what other kind of job I could do when my grant is over.

Monday, January 10, 2005


Apparently, what I don't like about men is beards. That's why I do not consider Moulthrop sexy.

Not so sexy scholar

This is Stuart Moulthrop. He also wrote a chapter in ''First Person'' and he is an author of hypertext fiction. His best known novel is Victory Garden.
I wanted to read it on the web, but it's not available. You have to buy it and they do not sell it at my local Amazon.
Anyway, he is not that good looking. :-)

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Tomorrow's love-o-scope

Tomorrow the love-o-scope of My Mr Perfect is quite remarkable:

Venus Opposition Moon
Venus Trine Pluto
Venus Sextile Mars

That's a lot of venus for just one day. Does this mean he will fall in love with me?????


Thank you so much for keeping your fingers crossed!!!!!

Today I've worked for approx. four or five hours. So, why do I always feel so guilty? Why do I percieve myself doing nothing all day?

Maybe it is because I set my goals in terms of accomplished things (written pages, read papers, ...) and not in terms of working hours. That's at least the answer my therapy book would give.

I've decided to go to Another University in Another Big City in Another Country for 6 or 8 weeks. I'm exited!!! I checked that I can take the car on the train - it would be too long a ride to drive.

Need to find an apartment next. Then buy the ticket and tell my supposed-to-be-supervisor here.

Friday, January 07, 2005

I did it

Today I did send my manuscript to the journal.
Please, keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Why I will not call My Mr Perfect

I've noticed that I miss My Mr Perfect. So I've asked myself why I not just grab the phone and chat with him. That would be the most natural thing to do, right?

Well, first thought is that it is not the right time of the day to call him.
Second thoght: hm, he is not in love with me, so calling him would make things worse for me.
Then, I would ask him a lot of stupid questions about Proust and literature theory that would annoy him. He would think I am an idiot. I am not able to have a discussion with him on these topics, I just want bare information. And I am interested in his personal point of view.

I would not tell him that I miss him and I would not tell him that I like to see him 'cause this annoys him.
In fact. I don't really want to see him, I want to chat with him.

What else keeps me off? I don't think he will tell me any bad news. No. He never tells me about his current girlfriend.

I think this phone call would make me happy in a way I don't want it to be. It would suggest to me that we have a friendish-relationship that we really do not have.


I should update my blog... I shold have some sidebars with blogs I read and books I recommend and the site meter...
Too tired.


Should I get a subscription of The Chronicle? Is it worth the money? Do you read it often? Does it contain valuable information.

Today, I ate a small bowl of cereals, an apple and five rolls, two of them with jam, two of them with cheese and one bare. Is this ok for a day or is it too much?
I'm very proud of myself not to have bought all the tons of sweets I saw and wanted at the supermarked. It WAS difficult.


Tuesday, January 04, 2005


I think my paper is ready for publishing. At least I am satisfied with my solution and I don't want to go on further. Of course, there are a lot of open questions left, but I think I can adress them in another paper still to come.
I've decided on the journal I want to send it to a long time ago. Several articles on my topic appeared there, so I think they may be interested in further discussion.

Problem 1: The journal says: Make your paper approx. 20-35 pages. Mine has 18. They do not specify any layout or number of words. I've checked the last issues. There are long and very long papers, but there are three or four below 20 pages. I hope I will be fine.

Prroblem 2: The solution to my problem was suggested to my by Big Major Prof From The US last summer. I feel so stupid that I only found the question and she sketched the solution within 5 mins. Do I have to ask her if I want to publish this? Or is it ok if I just send it and mention her in the achnowledgements?

Although she solved it so quickly, she is really working on a different topic and there are a lot of major papers and books around that completely miss the point, so I think it is important to My Field that I publish this.

I just printed out the paper and I'm gonna revise it later this afternoon. I have to check the spelling rules for commas in English!

I do so much hope that this paper will be published. I really really want to have an article published.

Monday, January 03, 2005


... I went shopping. Bought computer games worth 150 $.
Problem: I didn't want to spend SO MUCH money.
Problem 2: I don't have the time to play. I should WORK.
Problem 3: I have a couple of old games which I almost didn't play at all. I like them and I would have a lot of fun playing them. And I just bought about 10 books before christmas which I wanted to read. And I didn't count all those books that are still unread in my shelf.


Sexy Scholar

This is Markku Eskelinen. He wrote a chapter in First Person. He seems to be a poet who writes experimental literature, but unfortunately only in Finnish. I wonder if there is any translation into English; I didn't find one at Amazon.
I think he looks very sexy, despite that maybe his nose is a little bit too small. Anyway, I'd love to meet this guy personally, he seems so interesting, writing experimental literature and working on a theory of computer games.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Look back on 2004

The Good
- I got my PhD grant
- I played 2 cello concertos
- I finally somehow rearranged with My Mr Perfect
- Met The Founder Of My Field
- Started blogging

The Bad
- Was very sick
- Was very sick again but different with lasting consequences
- Almost vomited into The Founder Of My Field's face
- Was sick and didn't get paid for 3 months

The Future wannahave
- Publish article in journal
- Write damn Chapter One of even-more-damn thesis
- More rearrange, better arrange with My Mr Perfect
- Learn better Russian
- Maybe start to learn French
- Go out more often