What a mess!

Today I figured out that I bought the ticket to Another Town for the wrong day. All the flights on the proper day are full, so I had to find a room for that extra night.
It all went well, but I am still shocked that my work is unreliable.

I'm looking forward to meet New Supervisor. Wondering if she really read all the 60 pages.
I know there's a big conference coming up, she's part of the committe. I wonder whether I should ask her if she'll help me with the abstract. Or is it better to sumbit without telling her, because telling her would be "cheating" the selection process?

I know now who the reviewer was who accepted my paper? He is a really sexy guy I know from various conferences. I wonder whether he knew the abstract was from me and he accepted it because he likes me. Or he just liked the abstract. Or he didn't know it was me.

Blogger anonymity revisited

I just learned that a new law was passed in My Country, requiring to list the full name and address on every home page. The requirement is that the owner of the homepage must be a resident.

Weblogs are subject to even stronger requirements: Beside name and address, one is required to say where one works and if one owns any shares. So a weblog comes down to a newspaper.

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY REDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

I would have never ever talked about Ex Supervisor under my real name!!!

As a reward...

... I fixed mom's computer today. Over 200 viruses and worms. Yeah. At least it was worth it. Have never seen such a mess before.

I am so fucking tired, I couldn't go out tonight anyway. Played only 1/2 hour videogames while scanning for viruses (the video games are all at my mom's, I don't have a TV and I would play way too much if I had them here).

WannaBe proudly presents:

Ladies and Gentlemen,
60 pages of dissertation have been sent to New Supervisor!

Now it's time for a reward! (I'm thinking of playing videogames for hours, haven't even started the one I got for my birthday. And buying some CDs. And clothes. And going out tonight. And tomorrow.)

State of the art

I really like zombified. Very good word, indeed.

Chapters. Chapters. Chapters!!

Work load

Must. Finish. Chapters. By tomorrow.

Promised to send it to New Supervisor.
Going to Another Town SOON (but only for short).

Email policy of faculty

Ex Supervisor never answers email. Not mine and not anyone else's. I have always thought that's the way he is. It is ok because we're not a business, we are academia.

But I always feel so stupid sending emails (like asking for an appointment, asking a question, telling about a paper I read etc). I've also tried to do these things via phone, but it didn't really work out.

And it really sucks if supervisors do not answer their email on purpose. I know Ex Supervisor has a laptop and he uses it even at home. He told me because he was so proud of it.


Conferences: Ex Supervisor once forbid that I spoke at a local conference. He just said no.
My last two talks, I wanted him to correct the handout or to get some suggestions.
Huh, huh, I emailed the handout (after I had called him and explained to him what I wanted and he agreed to do it) and never got an answer.
I hate this so much!

Fortunately he is EX supervisor.

Disclaimer: I am not lesbian

Usually it is important to say it the other way round: I am lesbian. But I am not. (As far as I know myself by now, but I think it is a difficult topic). Why do I have to say this explicitly:

I was never quite sure if I am lesbian or not. I haven't had many boyfriends until now. Was very often in love and rejected. From the outside I seem to be a tough one. Tall, strong. Doing my things. Fighting my way through life.
But I thought maybe something was wrong. Maybe the problem was I was lesbian.

Several things made me think this.

For example, one of my friends at the university kept telling me things like: it is ok to be lesbian (of course it is), Professor X is lesbian, men often do harm to women (of course they do), etc. So I thought, maybe she wants to suggest that I am lesbian. Once, at a party, she even slept in my bed - we didn't have sex, we didn't kiss, but basically because there were too many people around. I was quite confused, but I knew I didn't love her. She was a friend, but not even a very close one.

So - surprise, surprise - it turned out that she is lesbian. (Which is ok, of course).

Even earlier on, my high school teacher once gave me a book as a present for my birthday. I must have been 13 or 14. It was a novel about a girl having her coming out. I was a little bit surprised, because she was my literature teacher. So I'd have rather expected some literary novel. I didn't take it to be a real hint, but it was confusing. I put it back into my shelf and never talked about it to anyone. Thought maybe the shop assistant had given her the wrong book and noone noticed.

Well, surprise, surprise! At the wedding yesterday she told us that her daughter is lesbian. (which is of course ok). The daughter is about my age.

And finally, my mom was so very much interested in a friend of mine, who is lesbian too, that I thought maybe my mom is lesbian. At least she never had any boyfriend since her divorce 17 years ago.

I'm fine with everything, but I just think that I am NOT lesbian.

Music capacity

My teacher suggested today that I should/could join an ochestra in fall. WOW. When I started to play the cello three years ago, I thought I never ever will be able to do more than "Twinkle twinkle little star".
Cool.

Wedding

My best friend is getting married tomorrow. Friday, 13th - on purpose. She thinks this date brings luck.
We've known each other since I was ten, we went to school together until I was 18.
This feels weird. I know we are adults now, when we graduated from university, I knew we were no longer children or teenagers. But now, this marriage thing, this feels really, really OLD. I feel like I am a friend of my mom, because I remember when I was in kindergarten how some of her friends were getting married.
Well, I hope my best friend will be happy. I hope it will last. I hope he's one of the very few good ones.

To My Mr Prfect

Dear MMP,
It is so sad. We never talked about it. You didn't give me a chance. I wanted to meet you ever since I've been back from Another Town. I even asked you if you wanted to join me to the theatre last week. I did via email but you don't answer.
You don't answer and you don't call me.
By now, I think it's pretty useless to talk anyway. You apparently don't love me. That would be ok, but you don't want to be friends with me either. This hurts. This hurts incredibly. You just can't imagine how much this hurts.
I'll get over it. I'll move. Because of you. I can't stay here any longer because I see you at every corner. This city is full of memories. Full of you.
I hate you because you don't want to talk and you don't want to be my friend.
I feel bad. I am troubled. I miss you. I wanted you as a friend. I wanted you to take care about me. I wanted you to hug me and to let me cry when I'm tired and exhausted.
But no talking and no discussion will be able to fix this. You were not there when I needed you. You didn't call. You don't care.
I guess I've got the message by now: you just don't care about me.
This hurts.
Best,
WannaBePhD

To My Mr Perfect

[working while listening to the radio]

I thought I shook myself free
You see I bounce back quicker than most
But i'm half delirious, Is too mysterious
You walk through my walls like a ghost
And I take everyday at a time
I'm as proud as a Lion in his Lair
Now there's no denying it, a note to crying it
Your all tangled up in my head

Old habits die hard
Old soldiers just fade away
Old habits die hard
Harder than November rain
Old habits die hard
Old soldiers just fade away
Old habits die hard
Hard enough to feel the pain

We haven't spoken in months
You see i've been counting the days
I dream of such humanities, such insanities
I'm lost like a kid and i'm late
But i've never taken your coats
Haven't no block on my phone
I act like an addict, i just got to have it
I can never just leave it alone

Old habits die hard
Old soldiers just fade away
Old habits die hard
Harder than November rain
Old habits die hard
Old soldiers just fade away
Old habits die hard
Hard enough to feel the pain

And I can't give you up
Can't leave you alone
And its so hard, so hard
And hard enough to feel the pain

Thought on blogger anonymity

Ever thought about that if you are blown up by someone, would they really tell you? Or would they just knoe and enjoy reading even more?

To do list for tomorrow

This is to remind me that tomorrow I want to:

• walk
  
• eat properly
  

Professional Blog

I am in the process of creating a professional blog. I won't be posting my very own ideas, but I'd like to have all the links and informations gathered together. I won't use my name, so I try to make it anonymous, but my Native Language and My Location is mentioned. I wonder if I ever will be outed and by whom.
I do this because I want to talk about subject related matters which I can't do here. No one in My Field needs to know all the troubles with Ex Supervisor.

Pleasurable

You know, I play the cello. Right now I am practising my very first sonata. It is sonata no 1 by Jean Baptiste Breval, who is just a little bit older than Mozart.
It feels so good to play a sonata. It is a real piece of music, not some rather short exercise or children's song.
I love playing the cello more and more every day. And it is so lovely to see that all the efforts have an effect.
I often feel like melting away when I play.

More Moving Thoughts

I could - in principle - also move to the US.
I hardly dare to think this. Never been there. Very dangerous: involves airplanes and earthquakes and bombs. Foreign language. FAR, really fucking far away from home.
But maybe interesting academically.

Why I hate Grandma's

Mama wanted me to visit Grandma at the weekend (mother's day, you know).

Mama: Come on. It is fun. You'll have fresh air, relax. Bring your computer, you can even work there!

No.1 - The bed. All beds there are somehow broken. I have troubles with my spine. Can't sleep on broken bed.
Slept on the sofa in the living room. Not comfy.

No.2 - The smoke. I am a non-smoker. Everyone keeps smoking. In the living room. Problem: sofa is in the living room.

No.3 - Work Wanted to work. Unpacked computer. Put it on the table. Mama turned on the TV. Watched a spelling quiz. Was even taking part. No way to work for me.
No table in other room where a ruined spine can sit and type.

No.4 - The food. I am fat. I want to lose weight. OK, I try not to gain weight. At Grandma's, there is lots and lots of food around. I eat. At Grandma's, four meals are served every day. I eat. At Grandma's, I'm frustrated. I eat.

Now I'm back home for more than 24 hours and I still feel desperate and awful and can't really get back to work. Slept until noon today, had a headache all day.

Moving Thoughts, revisited

I think I really might move to Catholic Town. Apart from the department that does My Subject, there is another department which does My Other Subject. And head of that department is a Prof who was part of my committee when I did my MSc. That's two points for Catholic Town.

The cons are that it is VERY small and VERY catholic (e.g. no abortions in governmental hospitals).

Powerful

It's almost 2:30 a.m. over here and I'm still happy sitting in front of my computer and even TYPING some paragraphs of my dissertation.
Yesyesyesyes happy and typing.

I feel this is really flowing now. I really really think this will work out, and I finally have SOME kind of plan in my head. At least I have something to say, and lucke me that I am so lonely, I can take the chance and write everything into my thesis what I want to talk about and what is connected to my subject.

I've been at the theatre tonight, was fun.
I've been at a philosophy lecture last week (sorry, didn't tell you; but I think philosophy is connected to so many subject that I can tell you now and you won't find out what I'm actually doing - yes I still love anonymous blogs). It was fun, too, and I met some new people, all MALE btw. There were only about five or six guys there, so chances are high that I grab one of themm for a coffee next week.
Haven't decided yet if one of them is particularly sexy.

And I do play a SONATA on my cello yet, well, I am learning to play it. This is really very nice, 'cause I've picked up playing this instrument 3 years ago, so I made quite some progress.

Depression is Anger

I keep thinking about Depression, particularly since reading Psycho Kitty's post.

I've been there, I know the dark hours, the insomnia, the fear. All those desperate feelings. From 1998 to 2001 I was standing on a bridge almost every day, ready to jump.
I didn't.

That cognitive therapy book by David Burns helped a lot, yeah, but now that I'm over the worst part I really think I was so angry that I was forced to do things I didn't want to. And nobody understood what I wanted and who I was, so I felt lonely and desperate. I always felt like I had to integrate myself into a society in which I don't belong to.

Now I think those people where just assholes, and I am a person of myself, and I am fine doing research what only about 500 people in the world do.
But my depression was really anger in disguise, so I am wondering whether this is always the case.

Big News

I am going to leave My Appartment right now, I've got to go to some libraries picking up some books.
For exitement, tomorrow I've got another ticket for a theatre.

More tests

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fourth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Personality Disorder Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Costello Prices

The cheapest ticket is 37 €, but it is at the top and at the side.
The cheapest reasonable one is 44 €. Still VERY expensive. I might rather buy a CD of him.
Or is he worth being seen performing live?

Concert

I wanted to go to the theatre tonight. Went there by car.

NO PARKING SLOT. nowhere.

Went home again. Depressed and angry. Annoyed. Had bought the ticket already.
Was driving aroung 1 1/2 hours just for nothing.

BUT: I saw a poster announcing a concert by Elvis Costello in July at the opera. I don't know him or his music, but Profgrrrrl is so fond of him, I might go to his show. Have to find out how much the tickets cost, first.

50 ways to leave your lover

philosophy style.

RSS

Does anyone of my readers use an RSS reader? I want one, but I don't know if I should download one (any recommendations?) or simply upgrade to the Tiger operating system. (that name! Tiger! I LOOOOOOOOVE it!). Tiger comes with a built in RSS reader in safari.

Nightmare morning

This morning I approached my very best friend, my iBook G4, as ever.
But the little white light wasn't glowing. It was not asleep.

I got nervous.

Then, the internet connection was still running! Usually, it turns itself off after 20 minutes.
I WAS SCARED.

I flipped through the log files. It seemed that it switched itself on at 3:15 a.m.
I TOTALLY PANICKED.

I called a macintosh dealer, asking for some antivirus software. They told me: "you don't need antivirus software, you are using a mac".

I explained what had happened. They made me read out the log files. They told me everything is ok, it just did some scheduled task.

I told them it never had done this before.
They said, everything is allright.

I still feel somehow frightened.