Wanna Be PhD

PhD 2006. Now fully blown by the Postdoc Experience.

Location: My Appartment, Academic Nowhereland

Email: wannabephd@gmail.com

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Shopping in Another Town

Here is one of the things I bought in Another Town. Problem: I can't use it for all of my stuff because it is no backpack and I have a ruined spine.

My bro's girlfriend

Following the discussion over at Profgrrrrl's:

My baby-bro (22) has a girlfriend who comes from Turkey (27). She cleans his apartment, she does the shopping, she cooks for him, she washes his clothes and she fucks him. He's the pasha. Does nothing.

She's very poor. He's paying everything.

Although this is not the classical 19 + 40 couple, I think something similar is going on.
She is manipulative because she wants his money. She doesn't tell him but everyone around them notices it. He doesn't believe us.
He is ignorant because he really really and absolutely believes that she loves to do all the housework for him. He believes that this girl is happy to be a servant for him. That she loves to adore and admire him.
He does not think that she is dependent on him (she is, at least financially).

My conclusion: Men, in general, and my bro, in particular, are very often ignorant assholes.

Academic News

Today I was at the studies office. A committee consists of 5 "things":
1 supervisor
2 evaluators
2 examiners

So I will have Prof. Boss from My University, The New Supervisor from Another Town AND Big Prof from the US.
Doesn't sound bad, hm?

And Ex-supervisor.... well.... GONE!!! :-)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Back Home

So, finally, I am back home in My Apartment in My Home Town. Feels...um...well... old. known. boring. And there is still this mess around me, at My Department. I've asked for an appointment with My Supervisor to tell them that I changed supervisors. I keep thinking what I can do if they will hate me. I could go to New Supervisors university. I could move to Catholic Town, which is in My Home Country. I could move to Another Town,
Lots of options.
I don't have to stay here. I am strong. I will get through this.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

More on Sarah Kane

I have to tell you a good story.
Last week, after a play of Sarah Kane I was waiting for the underground, when a stranger approached me. In fact, he started to the guy sitting next to me, because he was reading a booklet on Sarah Kane. The stranger wanted to give away his ticked for another play of Sarah Kane. I interrupted them and screamed: Yes pleeeeeeeeease, I wanna have it!! I will buy it, if you want.
The stranger didn't want any money.

So I saw another play of Sarah Kane, namelly Crave.

When I got into the theatre, I asked the guy sitting next to me if he knew the person who was supposed to sit on my place. The man only spoke English, so apparently, he didn't know the stranger who gave the ticket to me.

It turned out that the man was Aleks Sierz who is a theatre critic and who has written a book on Sarah Kane.
So I started talking how much I appreciate the plays.
He kept asking me if I was a student and I sais, yes a graduate student, but not from Another Town but from My Home Town. And I'm doing not Theatre Studies. I guess he didn't believe me, because he kept asking me if I really have nothing to do with theatre.
I told him that I found his book on google when I searched for Sarah Kane.

I guess he is really famous in theatre business, and I just didn't know. That's why I just chatted to him and he was very surprised.

Anyway, very exciting!! Usually I am not such an outgoing person, talking to strangers...

The New Supervisor Continued

So, the last days of my stay here have come. I'm going home on Saturday evening.
I am getting nervous about what's going to happen at home.

Yesterday I had another appointment with My New Supervisor. I asked her right away if she wanted to be on my PhD committee. She said yes.
I am shocked.
(Why do I always react shocked? I could have been happy, no?)

This is fine. She is working exactly on my topic. She knows what I want do do for my thesis. She could see the main goal of my work while I was standing only in front of bits and pieces.
This is good.

She keeps publishing books. I think if I'm done she will give me the space for a chapter. I'm sure, because she's publishing on my topic, and if she's my supervisor....?
This is good.

She is in the committee of a lot of conferences. If she is my supervisor, I hope, she will help me write an abstract and get in.
This is good.

I have to tell my supervisor (who is an asshole) that I have switched supervisors.


The people at My University at home will KILL me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 14, 2005

Still relieved

I am soooo relieved. I am so happy that I said to that fried what I felt!! In the last couple of years, I ended relationships always implicitly, I just stopped meeting and talking.
It feels so terribly good to say what is wrong.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Personal Development

Before I start: Sorry that I do not comment regularly these days, I'm still in Another Town where I have only this slow and expensive phone connection.

Today I felt that I have grown emotionally. I feel so relieved! Let me tell you:

  1. I told that friend of mine, who was one of the reasons why I left My Hown Town, that I feel that he is trying to blackmail me emotionally and that I do not want this. (i.e. I told him to fuck up!).
    He partly understood my message. I just hate him. I think he was getting more on my nerves than I thought he was. I think one of the reasons that I wasn't going out much lately was that he kept calling and asking me if I wanted to see him. And that was really in an awful and intimidating way.
  2. I found out why I couldn't eat when My Mr Perfect took me out for lunch the last time. It was because he once told me not to have feelings. I do have them, but I always kept them secret. I couldn't eat because I wanted to talk about emotions and I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't want to tell him that I love him. I might have said that I enjoy his company. ...
  3. I found out how much I need my art life. I miss my cello SO much. I always thought I was only interested in art because of My Mr Perfect but this is not true. I am interested in literature since ever, and I just want to get the whole picture including contemporary music and paining.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Thoughts about Men and Phones

I am still sad that My Mr Perfect hung up last week. He didn't call back. He didn't write an email.
Why did he do this? Everything was fine when I left. He took me out for lunch. He kept calling me. He was friendly and charming.
And now?
Does he hate me? Does he like me? Is he angry that I am here, in Another Town?
Is he ill? Does he have a problem?

It is so hard for me, 'cause I don't know how to find out if he doesn't want to talk to me.
I'm NOT gonna call again.

(I have to keep me from calling again, but this was SO expicit).

If he still has his other girlfriend, he could have been nice and charming as ever on the phone. He keeps hiding this girl from me, but I know.

What is wrong with this guy?????

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

More on Sarah Kane

You find here.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

An evening at the theatre (again)

until I want to scream for you, the only doctor who ever touched me voluntarily, who looked me in the eye, who laughed at my gallows humour spoken in the voice from the newly-dug grave, who took the piss when I shaved my head, who lied and said it was nice to see me. Who lied. And said it was nice to see me. I trusted you, I loved you, and it's not losing you that hurts me, but your bare-faced fucking falsehoods that masquerade as medical notes.

Sometimes I turn around and catch the smell of you and I cannot go on I cannot fucking go on without expressing this terrible so fucking awful physical aching fucking longing I have for you. And I cannot believe that I can feel this for you and you feel nothing. Do you feel nothing?

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for rejecting me by never being there, fuck you for making me feel shit about myself, fuck you for bleeding the fucking love and life out of me [...] but most of all, fuck you God for making me love a person who does not exist.

We have a proffessional relationship. I think we have a good relationship. But it's professional.

of course I love you
you saved my life
I wish you hadn't
I wish you hadn't
I wish you'd left me alone

Sara Kane. 4.48 Psychosis

Monday, March 07, 2005

The BlogRolling problem...

... is now solved. I checked that they just cut off my password.

I had coffee with a girl I got to know 5 years ago. It was so much fun! She told my the story of my life: Her friend stole her work and published it under her name. Nobody is talking to her at the department here. She is sitting in her office, alone. And now, she is heading for Another Another Town.

HELP! BlogRolling

I tried to get into my BlogRolling again, but my login name and passwort (I still have the email) doesn't work!

Dear readers, please help me! Is the login name an email address? At least this is what the email said....

Saturday, March 05, 2005


Yesterday evening I saw a huge poster advertising Apple's iPod. It said "shuffle". Today, somewhat unconciously inspired, I pushed the shuffle button in my iTunes. I have only about 23 hours of music in my computer, but it is so exciting!! There are songs coming I always listen to, and then, in between, songs I have not listened to for over a year. Songs which I just loaded into my laptop from my old computer.

I have been wondering why the media keep talking about the iPod and the Shuffle, I thought, well, shuffle has been around since the CD player was invented. But shuffle on the computer is different. There are much more different songs than on a CD. This is really fun!!

Apart from listening to my laptop, I am reading Small World by David Lodge. I keep laughing all the time! What a funny book!!
Yeah, and I keep eating my favourite chocolate brownies which a discount shop sells here really cheap.

Friday, March 04, 2005

The New Supervisor

Today I finally met the Wanna Have Supervisor. Meeting her was one of the reasons why I came to Another Town. She is working on a similar topic than my dissertation topic, and I read some of her books. I really like her work.

Today I finally had an appointment with her. I told her that my diss is a mess, and then I told her why I wanted to do it and what I find interesting. She thought it was an exciting project!

I like it so much working with a female professor. I had troubles with all of my male teachers in high school. As an undergrad, well, I had to behave well because at the university almost all teachers are male.

I hope so much that she will agree to be my supervisor!! We will have another appointment in about two weeks, I will ask her then. And I will ask her if she wants to write a paper with me.

I was so relieved that she didn't want to smoke marijuana with me. Almost all professors who are friends of the guys in My Department usually smoke pot with us students. That's one of my problems: I do not smoke at all and I never ever get drunk with my professors ('cause I know I mess around and might say swear words etc. when drunk).

Perfect Asshole

I called him today. Said that I survived my talk yesterday.
He said he had an incoming call and hung up.


Thursday, March 03, 2005

Another lousy talk of mine


Just came home... I had my talk today at the department. And I'm exhausted now.

Ok, I didn't want to give a talk in the first place. I told them that I have no own work to present.
They said that didn't matter and forced me to give the talk. Even a literature review would be great.

And then, in the evening the day before they told me they want me to do it in English! I am NOT in an English speaking country, and I guess everyone in the audience speaks My Native Language.
So, after the introduction, that fucking dumb ass guy from the department here said: We will have this talk in English because we are an international institute.

I worked me through the talk, it was ok, apart from that I didn't make any claims on my own. But I told them before.
There was 25 mins of discussion, that was ok.

Then I had to have dinner with them.
After the dinner, all I wanted was a coffe and some sweets from Starbucks, but it was already about 9 p. m. and starbucks WAS CLOSED.

Then I had to wait 25 mins for the BUS.

Hey, this is supposed to be a major capital of Europe!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


Another Town is very very bad regarding coffee. In the department, there is only automata coffee which one cannot drink. I tested a couple of take-away cafes in the last days, but now, today, finally, I fell into Starbucks.

At home, Starbucks is so fucking expensive that I really hate it. Why pay double price if you can get the same coffee somewhere else cheaper? I always wondered why Starbucks is so popular all over the world.

Now I know. It must be because almost nowhere, apart from everywhere in My Home Town, you get drinkable coffee. I never imagined that I would be so happy because of the existence of Starbucks. It saved me.

And its a lot cheaper here. A cappuchino costs only 2,5 whereas in My Home Town it is definitly above 3 €.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Internet Radio

At least the internet radio is working in the office. Does it increase the download volume? Will the people here know that I'm listening to the radio? Is it bad for their computers?

First DVD

Bought my first DVD yesterday. A copy of Shark Tale. The sharks look like My Mr Perfect.

Office Afternoon

Via Profgrrrrl.
You are the baobabs.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

I am sitting in my office, I should work on my presentation (haven't started the handout yet), but I can't stop thinking that My Mr Perfect is an asshole.
And the horoscope says I will have so much love these days.

What is there you can still rely on?