Wanna Be PhD

PhD 2006. Now fully blown by the Postdoc Experience.

Location: My Appartment, Academic Nowhereland

Email: wannabephd@gmail.com

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Construction site meme

Rageyone has started a construction site meme.
Here I go!

This hole has been created about two weeks ago.


This is the second evening I spend with sticking in photos (non digital) into an album.
It makes me feel good. I do have so many friends. They all are a bit weird, so often difficult to handle them, but they are very strong personalities. I love them all.
And I feel such a unique person, because it is only me who knows exactly this group of people.
And so many things happened in the last two years. So many weddings and graduations and even a baby.

Short note

I am happy.
Tomorroy is the last day of the term. I have an appointment with Ex Supervisor, then a lecture with Big Prof. I'm just gonna tell them I keep working with New Supervisor.
I will see the people of My Department again by the end of October at our annual conference. I am so glad that all this is over now.
I feel so relieved. No more pressure. No more people going on my nerves.
And I have so many ideas for papers and for the dissertation, and I even think of writing a philosophical essay on technology/different scientific disciplines etc. (maybe I'll blog on this some time).

Sunday, June 26, 2005



A manuscript of mine (not publicly available, rather a bigger hand out) got cited in a paper to appear written by a person I know, but not very well. Not friends, not collaborators.
This is soo coool.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

On pain

Stewgad discusses the apparent normalness of pain:

AND they told me that pain isn't normal. Huh? The therapist I was working with told me that all the grad students that come in are shocked when they get told this fact - that we all seem to live with some degree of pain, and expect that it is normal.

Well, having experienced similar conditions of the spine, I have made some thoughts about pain. It was always clear to me that my body must not hurt. Not any part of it. And when the spine problem appeared, it hurt so much I just had to cry. Couldn't stop. But what I have learned through this whole process of illness is, that my soul must not hurt either. This was absolutely new to me. Being seriously depressed since I was about 15 I thought I was fine when I didn't have any suicidal thoughts anymore. But then, I thought: how much has my body got to hurt me until I cry? And, is it the same degree of pain (but now emotional pain) that makes me cry on other occasions? I guess it is.

And now I think something is really going wrong if I cry because of emotional distress. And something is really fucking going wrong when I cry because the things happening at My Department or with Ex My Mr Perfect.

Remember: Pain isn't normal. Emotional pain isn't normal.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Work update

Yes. I didn't work. And I feel better, at last.

So, yesterday I spent the whole day in bed feeling miserable and tired. I decided that today should be fun day, so I got up and did do all the readings neccessary for the completion of the paper. As I already knew unconciously, the reading was not useful at all. I knew what was said in the papers before. So the problem is still the same. Then I started to make some drawings about my theory. Maybe the reviewer is right. He suggested to use his book (btw I have found out who the reviewer is) and to modify my theory slightly in his terms. First, I was really pissed because I thought, hey, it's just blackmailing: cite me and you get published. But maybe his suggestion is not as bad at all. Maybe I just go for his way. (Is it ok to just take the reviewer's suggestions? I am just too exhausted to do any proper own work right now).

Then I went for a walk (I really like to go swimming, maybe tomorrow or the day after), and then I went to a cello concerto of the local music university. It was very nice. But I expected the violin maker to be there and he wasn't. I freaked out and had a huge portion of ice cream afterwards. Which is really stupid because I could have talked to the people at the concert. But I was too shy and feeling awful.

Childhood Meme

Hey, that's the first meme I've been invited to take part in. Up to now, I only ever did them without being asked to. THANKS, Rageyone!!!

Rules: fill in the meme & then tag 5 people to do it, too.

5 thinks I miss about childood...

  1. The Smurf icecream. It had a blue plastic head and a white plastic hat. Inside the head was the ice cream. I don't remember the flavour, but that smurf wrapping was so cool.
  2. Learning to read. I loved to figure out how those strange letters work. And I felt so powerful once I started to use them. Certain, I had access to information I could not get before (like the TV program). Guess that's why I ended up in academia, I just love to exxplore.
  3. Not being afraid of dirt. I loved to play outside and I wasn't bothered at all whether my clothes would get dirty. I can't enjoy games like those anymore, because I'm always afraid I might get dirty and my clothes might be ruined.
  4. Going to school. Definitely. I was always the best student. I loved that. And I loved that the teacher would tell us what to do. So there was always a problem set to work on. Nowadays I often feel lost because I have to pick out the problems by myself.
  5. Getting toys for christmas. I loved getting all those plastic stuff for X-mas. Like Barbie and Masters of the Universe and Lego. And it always came as a surprise. I never figured out what I would get. I used to write a letter to santa, and then - magically - the things came. Not exactly the things I wrote in the letter, but lots of exciting stuff.

I hereby tag: Helen, Anastasia, New Kid, Psycho Kitty.

I am, um, working, yes...

[via brina b]

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.







Natural Causes














Cut Throat






How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

One of my problems

is, I think, that I do not set particular times for my working hours. Therefore, I always think I should work, and I very rarely go out (despite the fact I don't really have a lot of people to go out with in the first place). I would so much love to go out in a cafe, but I always think I have to finish that paper for publication. So what happens is this: I do not go out, I think I have to work, I stare at my laptop (do a lot of useless internet surfing), feel bad and go back into my bed feeling desperate.

I wonder if this habit differed if I had a boyfriend (who would want to meet me at, say, 7 p.m. in one of my favourite cafes).



And, in fact, I so much like the shape of the word Men. It is so compact.


I. Want. Vacation. Right. Now.
Still sitting over my paper to correct. And still dreaming of french kissing.
Concluded that I'm just completely exhausted. I really *do* need a week of complete vacation. Just lying at the lake and sleep and swim and eat ice cream. If I finish that fucking paper today, I could go to the swimming pool tomorrow morning.
I am dreaming of going to Paris in summer.
dream dream dream dream dream dream

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

French Dream

Last night I dreamed I french kissed the violin maker/Ex My Mr Perfect (I don't know who it was, I just dreamed the feeling). Couldn't do anything today. No work, no nothing.
I am totally confused. Never ever dreamed such a vivid thing before.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Men. Or, rather, a man.

Hm. Should I call my violin maker? When I got my cello from him four years ago, he fell in love with me. He kept calling for two weeks, once or twice a day.
At that stage, I was just recovering from bulimia, so it overwhelmed me and I got scared and didn't want to talk to him nor see him.
But now (I just came back from him, he had to fix my cello), I think he's cute.
I could call him in two or three days and tell him that he did it well.

Any suggestions? Ask him out for a coffee?
Will he only talk when we're having coffee? After he was so keen on me?


I am so fucking tired (no wonder) and I am ttyping like hell a term paper for Big Prof. Had a great idea during the last class, so I just keep typing. Fearing that my wonderful thoughts might be gone when I fall asleep.
I did correct parts of the paper, and then went to the library. Gonna get my cello repaired in half an hour, then wanna practise for an hour and then sleeep sleeep sleeeeeep.

Correcting the manuscript

Do I have to answer every question the reviewer points out? Can I just ignore som of them if I think they do not make sense? Or do I have to make a footnote?

Do I need to go to Ex Supervisor (nobody else is here) and ask for advice?


Should. Correct. Manuscript. For. Publliation. Right. Now.

Want food.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

4:38 a.m.

It's dawning. Birds are singing.

I love summer!


4 a.m. Got up an hour ago. Was thirsty.

Why do I, who really is addicted to surfing the web, always download preprint journal articles and never read them? What is it that I only read online stuff like titles and abstracts and keep ignoring the offline stuff? I mean, hey, it's both in the computer, I read both of them from the screen? So why the difference? Do I have a preference for pink? Do I need to click around in a text to read it? All those downloaded papers relly interest me, they do, so why can't I browse through them at times when I just surf the web reading the news pages over and over again? News pages which really don't interest me?

Good morning quizzy!

I'm a O90-C86-E31-A2-N80 Big Five!!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Addams Family

I had no idea that I might be related to the Addams Family, but I really seem to resemble one of it's members.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Hair meme

Someone over here is so glad she now has a camera and can take part in the
h a i r   m e m e!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

What have I done?!?

I just played videogames (Animal Crossing) for more than three hours. I wanted to write an abstract for a Big Conf in the US to which the deadline is now (or tomorrow, not sure about the time changes). And now I'm tired an I think I'm just gonna go and empty the dishwasher and fall into my bed.

Guess it happened because it has been such an exhausting week end.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Blogger names

It took me so long to figure out that Anastasia's name is not her real one. I just didn't think that anybody would pick an "ordinary" first name for a blogger identity. I thought it was just a "rule" that pseudonyms do not sound like real names. But somehow I like the idea of having a real name as a pseudonym. Maybe I will add one to my blog in the future.

Calmed down

So. There was this sort-of private conference at the week end. Everyone was angry at the organizer because it was "private", i.e. everyone got to know about it only at the very last minute. So not only me felt bad about this.

I was at Catholic Town Prof's talk. And I was at Big Prof who will be in my committee's talk, too. Didn't talk to the other Big Prof who kept rescheduling the appointment. He's gone by now. I think I will just send an email apologizing and telling him what I wanted him to know.

I think I will have a Collaboratrix like Profgrrrrl too. Met her again at the conference. Maybe we'll go to a conference in Poland together. Just going there together and each of us giving a separate talk. I would like this very much!

At the conference, I didn't talk to Ex Supervisor, I just didn't want to. But once I got a look from him that said KILL!!. His problem, right?

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Why I removed Pseudosanity from my blogroll

Pseudosanity announces to read Hitler's "Mein Kampf" on his blogroll.

I definitely do not want a link to a page that promotes this book.
I do not think that one can have this book on a public reading list without any further comments. In fact, I think one should not announce this book at all. We all know what happened, right?

Friday, June 10, 2005

Question to my readers

How do you calm down when you're completely freaked out?

I would have liked Ex My Mr Perfect to hug me and to let me cry until I'm over it, but this is option is currently not available (I think I don't miss him in person anymore, but I miss just someone doing this). So what other options are there despite eating too much junk food?

Still down in the dumps

Haven't been to the dept. for two days. Tried to calm down. Didn't really work. Ate food for a whole week today. Feel awful.

So, tomorrow there's this sort of private conference. Gotta go there. Prof from Catholic Town is giving a talk. He always came to my talks, even if there were no other talks of our subject. And the day after Big Prof, who was supposed to be part of my committee, is giving a talk. I won't go to any other talks. And I definitely wont join them for lunch and conference dinner.

I have a scheduled appointment with that Big Prof (not the one who kept annoying me this week). I have to tell him about New Supervisor. I think I can't tell him about all the troubles with Ex Supervisor, because they are friends. And Big Prof doesn't come without Ex Supervisor inviting him.
Awful situation.

Today I made a list of all calls for papers of the next two months. I thought, well, lets have a go. I'm just gonna send abstracts to all of them, even if I know in the first place, I won't be going there because they are too far away. I can figure out what to tell them in case they accept me (which is not very likely).

Thursday, June 09, 2005


I've just decided I'm not goint to My Department today. I was crying half of the night yesterday. This is just too much for me. Yes, I did want to talk to Big Prof, but if it's upsetting me that much, I can't do it.
I need to go shopping for food today and then wash my hair. In the evening I have a cello lesson.
I have to calm down and get back to work. I have to finish that paper that'll appear in the journal.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Emergency blogging

I wanted to meet Big Prof. He's only here for one week. On monday, I asked for an appointment. It was set for tuesday after class. On tuesday after class when we wanted to go for it, Ex Supervisor came and grabbed Big Prof for lunch. So it was rescheduled for today ofter class. Today it is already evening and Big Prof said he was too tired and we should meet tomorrow.
Problem: I can't meet him tomorrow after class because I have a cello lesson then (it is at 7 p.m.).
I do not have the phone number of Big Prof and I bet he's not going to read his email.
So my only chance is Friday.

I feel so awful I could start to cry right away. I do so much hate not being able to schedule an appointment. I feel treated like an asshole. I can come for an appointment whenever it is fine, I just keep sitting next to the phone. I don't have any private life.

I think this treatment violates the respect of my person.


Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Cat feet

Monday, June 06, 2005

Another day at My Department

Have I mentioned that someone from my high school has decided to study my subject and is now hanging around at My Department? I kissed that someone 12 years ago, it was awful and I didn't like him. I never wanted to see him again the moment I got out of school...and now - here he is.
Ex Supervisor kept standing around me during the break of today's lecture. Didn't talk to me but desperately listening to what I said to some student. We were just talking about music. I'm not going to tell anyone that I switched supervisors. Ex Supervisor knows this. If he wants to talk about it, he just has to tell me. I will explain everything why I hate im in detail. But I'm no longer playing those funny games.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Sunday cat blogging

(buzznet is slow...)

The Blogging Law

News on the law:
Who is concerned?
Every home page, and in particular, every weblog which is run by a citizen of my country. No matter where he or she lives, no matter where the server is located. Additionally, every resident of my country, no matter which nationality.

How will it be executed?
Fines are from 30 € to 2000 €. No one knows how it'll be executed. It is assumed that there won't be a special police hunting for private bloggers like me. But you can accuse bloggers now, of course.

There was a very interesting discussion on the topic right now on the radio. Some lawyer and some blogging people talked. The blogging people said, well we're just blogging our everyday life experiences, but sometimes we say political things too. 95% of all bloggers want to be anonymous. And, we want to be anonymous, because otherwise, in the future everyone will know what we're doing and thinking just by googling our names.
The lawyers answered, oh, we had no idea that people are using weblogs to communicate with one another. We thought that only newspapers and journalists use weblogs and we wanted them tho obey the same restrictions electronically and in print.

Very private comment: Hm, so if I run out of funding, I just accuse myself of blogging anonymously and go into prison for it. There it's warm and I'll be fed. Can I bring my laptop?

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Who's the biggest blogroll whore in town?

[via Rageyone]

You Are a Look At Me Blogger!

Cute pics, blog drama, whatever it takes to get traffic.
You're notorious ... either loved or hated by all!

Ready for some Saturday plant blogging?

Say hello to George.

And here is coming something new. Right in the middle. See it?

Question: what do you use to upload your pics? Buzznet?

Friday, June 03, 2005

Got it!

Bought a digital camera today. It is orange (I wanted the red one, but there weren't any left). Got it for 200 €, 50 off because it was the one on display.

I plan to do some plant and cat blogging tomorrow.

Called Big Prof on the phone today, asking for an appointment. He had given me his phone number and told me to do so. I have to explain to him why I haven't written to him since he left a year ago. My reason was that the only thing I could have written would have been: "I am confused and I don't know what to do."

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Low Tech

Some time ago Profgrrrrl had a post about her friend's low tech lifestyle. (Unfortunately, her archive listings are gone, so I can't provide a direct link). This post has inspired me to think about my own low tech lifestyle.

It was not clear to me before, but I probably resist new technology. My technical toys include:

  • A walkman with radio and tape (got it around 1992)
  • A radio with external discman (got it around 1991). I got the discman only later, because it was too expensive. And a stereo player including the CD device was way too expensive in the first place.
  • A game boy. I changed from the old version (the one which needed four batteries) to the Advance model only 2 years ago
  • A desktop computer from 1999 still in use for printing
  • A mobile phone from around 2000. It still has a visible antenna. And it is too big to fit into the phone space in bags.
  • A gas stove from around 1955
  • About the only up to date thing is my iBook G4 which is now 14 months old.

I do not own:

  • A TV
  • A microwave oven
  • An iPod
  • A digital camera
  • A mobile phone with color display, camera and funny tunes
  • A DVD player
  • A video recorder
  • Anything wireless

The weird thing is that I never thought of actively resisting technology. I thought I was very up to date because I surf the internet so much. Other, old-style people watch TV but I surf the net. I resisted to have a mobile phone for quite some time, but since I got mine in 2002 I thought I've got everything.

I guess to be really up-to-date one has to change things every 18 months or 3 years. Well, I still like my tapes and CDs I bought in high school.

Book, Ex Supervisor and Me

Big Prof lectured yesterday about a book which I think is really cool. I've been telling Ex Supervisor that it is cool for over 2 years now. He kept telling me that this book is complete rubbish and absolute shit and I should stop talking about it and do some proper work. I kept insisting on some proper critique, but nothing substantial came.

So when Big Prof announced the book yesterday, I was absolutely furious. I do so much hate Ex Supervisor for being ignorant and stupid and not doing proper academic work.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Feeling pretty awful

Big Prof from US has arrived. Is going to give a series of lectures, the first one starting in 2 hours.

I've got to go to My Department. Haven't been there for over a month. Going to see Ex Supervisor. Going to see all those assholes who make my academic life here like hell.

Dear collegues, I know all of you will smile into my face, pretending we're all best friends. I know you are lying. I know that all of you do not answer my email, do not pick up the phone when I'm calling, do not want to go out with me. I know you don't like me (but I don't know why).
Today I will hate you back!!!!

I'm NOT gonna try and be nice and friendly and begging for you to be friends with me. I'm NOT.
I don't need people who don't like me. I have now New Supervisor, I have some but few other, private friends.
I am an ok person. It is YOU who are the assholes.

I really hate to go to the department today, but I've got to see Big Prof.

Back from Another Town

Well, I was a little quiet over here the last couple of days. Reason: I was in Another Town visiting my New Supervisor and taking part at the religious part of my friend's wedding. I did bring my laptop, but there was no internet connection (yes, I do not have a wireless card, it's a shame!).

I really really really HATE flying. The flight takes only 45 minutes, whereas a train ride takes 10 to 12 hours, depending on the route and the time of the day. So I had to fly. The first flight was quite ok. But the second one, the one back home!! There were turbulences, the whole plane FELL and SHOOK and FELL and SHOOK.

I was so scared!! I absolutely panicked. First, I couldn't feel anything in my hands, then also in my arms. And then in my feet and legs, up to my bum. Then it came to my rips. I was so scared that either the plane would crash or that I would die of a heart attack because of fear.

The remaining problem is: hating my Ex Supervisor, I will have to get into planes in the future again. Not dare to think of attending conferences....