Wanna Be PhD

PhD 2006. Now fully blown by the Postdoc Experience.

Location: My Appartment, Academic Nowhereland

Email: wannabephd@gmail.com

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Academic blog

I'm thinking of starting an academic blog. I am afraid if I post my ideas on certain things they might get stolen. I think I would use a code name and not mention my real one. And I think I would not mention My Department's name because I hate them so much.
But I'm so lonely here I would love to talk about my thesis and related topics. I do read several academic blogs. Most often they point out new calls and new papers, sometimes students but not professors spell out some ideas.

I would love to teach my own course. I would love to express my ideas, my general ideas about the future of my subject and related fields. But things are still too sketchy to sumbit them to a journal. And putting them on my professional home page would seem so embarrarssing. I would like to discuss my thoughts with a teacher and also the question of whether to publish them online or to send them to journals.
But there's no one.

I know that young MALE students in the US think of themselves as The Greatest and they keep writing stuff. And they get cited! Even if these papers are only manuscripts on their home pages.

I want to teach and I want to write.
But I'm not sure wheter to do it anonymously. And wheter things might get stolen.

Depressed again

I spent the last week with my taxes. It was driving me mad. I was at the tax office every day. I just couldn't figure out how to fill in the form.

I told them I bought a laptop and an office chair, and I am paying for the internet connection. And, I am using these three things together most of the time.

They said that officially I am using my laptop 40% for private things, but the office chair I use 100% for professional things. I said I do dronk my private coffee on my office chair and I do my 40% private use of my laptop on my office chair as well.

Questions like these continued for all over the week, I am so fed up with this shit!!!!!!!!

And then, today, I wanted to buy some fun stuff to cheer me up. So I went to buy some theatre tickets. I bought some for my mum too, since I won't be here for her birthday and there is mothers' day coming up. I have asked her about her schedule. She said everything would be fine for her.

So I bought several tickets for us, all together about 130 €. And this evening she told me she won't have time for most of the shows.

I HATE IT!!!!!!!!

ok, I am used to go to theatres on my own, that's ok, but spending 60 € on tickets for her and she won't attend? AAnd as you know, my dear readers, I am very lonely and I do not have another friend to whom I can give the tickets. My Mr Perfect doesn't like me and my best friend is working all the time and an artist friend ran out of the show the last time I invited him.


I am NOT going to buy any other presents for my mum!!!

News from weirdo friend

Remember that weird friend of mine, who was getting so much on my nerves before I had left for Another Town? I'm not talking to him anymore ever since. I just visited his home page. Apparently he just came bach from Another Town. Went on a trip there and posted some pictures.

This sucks!!!

He has never ideas on his own. And now he even spends his holidays in the city where I have been.

One of our last fights was about him now deciding to study a subject from which I graduated in 2002. Ever since 1998 I kept persuading him to join me. And now, exactly at the moment when so much time has passed that the knowledge gaps became too big, he started bothering me that he wants do do the same subject now.

Well, to late my dear boy, I'm doing other things right now.
And to late, my dear, I was in Another Town in February and March, but not in April.

Why do the closest friends turn into assholes so often?

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Thinking about the future

I don't know why, but recently I have caught myself unconciously thinking about the future. About my academic future. The dissertation should roghly be finished around christmas, leaving a couple of months for minor changes. But, no longer that September 2006 I'll need a new job.

I know I won't stay at My Department here. No way.

There is a possibility of doing a research project together with a collegue from Catholic Town. But I'm afraid this will boil down to me again sitting alone in My Appartment and going to Catholic Town every now and then. This doesn't feel THE best way.

I could go and try to get a Post Doc job somewhere. I've liked Another Town, yeah, that would be an option. There is another small and crowded country in Europe where they do My Subject, but I don't like their lifestyle too much.

I really really really would love to be surrounded by some bright and friendly academics. And women professors. Yeah.

One more point: I will have to decide on what topic I'll write my tenure thesis. I'm not sure whether to continue my studies within My Subject, of if I want to explore new things and maybe create a new line of research on my own. The tenure thesis should be a major and influential work. I'm pretty sure my dissertation will be read by many people, because My Topic is important to the field and no other momograph except mine exists.

I have to figure out what I want to do for my tenure thesis, and then decide what kind of people I need.


Friday, April 22, 2005

Furry schoolbag for boys only

Look, I found one. I always wanted one of these, but as I was a girl - no chance.

It was 20 years ago today

When I started primary school. WOW.
I remember the day. What happened. The teacher asked us what we expected from school and what we wanted to learn. I said I wanted to learn maths because I could read and write already.
I remember I had a pink satchel my grandma gave to me a year before. All the other girls had leather satchels and the boys had satchels covered in fur.

Now, exactly 20 years later, I'm still at school. I've learned a lot about math, yeah, but it is language which I love more.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Books books books books books books bo......

We've all heard that Google is planning to scan all the books there are and make them available online. There is a home page Google Print, and I have just found a link to a book. The book page includes a search button at the end of the page.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

At the record office

This morning.

Me: Hi. I want to resign from church, please.
Clerk: I'm terribly sorry, but this is not possible today. There is a problem.
Me: Why? Here are all the documents, here is my passport, my registration card, the money for the fee. What's the problem?
Clerk: Well, sorry to say, but there is a computer problem. Our program is down since Monday. It is not possible to do any manipulations with your registration as long as the server is down.
Me: Are you saying that it is not possible to resign from church in this whole town?
Clerk: Yes. And we don't know when this is gonna be fixed. You could try again next week.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Joseph Ratzinger is the new Pope.
Guess who'll pay 15 € tomorrow.

Church taxes

Yeah, I've stopped going to church almost 10 years ago. Before then I had to because we went there in school. It wasn't a catholic school, it was a school run by the government.

Here you have to go to the record office (the place where you get your passport and where you register your babies and your marriage etc.). There you have to resign officially from church. As this is a governmental service, you have to pay 15 €.

Now a short summary why I want to resign:

  • This is my first year of paying taxes. So I will have to pay the chuch taxes too (50 - 100€, I'm not quite sure). I don't want to.

  • I always dreamed of a big catholic wedding, me wearing a huge white wedding dress

    Interruption: Just got a package from Amazon. Jippie

    and a vein. But as there is no chance of ever getting married with My Mr Perfect, I think I don't want to be married at all. Apart from that romantic component it is just a financial contract between two peple. I think I don't ever want to have such a close financial relationship. One can be a couple without making it legal.

  • I am very surprised about the reactions to the death of the Pope. Even people I thought I knew quite well now claim that they liked him. Well, I didn't. I thought he was there but he was wrong on many things. I expeccted that everybody would now hope for better times.

Monday, April 18, 2005


I keep thinking about resigning from church (the roman-catholic one). The only thing that keeps me from doing is is that it costs 15 €. Any arguments not to do it?


... I should get a TV.


Today was another day I spent alone in My Appartment, reading for my dissertation. I hate working alone. Being alone for the whole day. Being alone in the afternoon. Being alone in the evening.
I didn't call a friend because at 5 pm I was so upset about being alone that I didn't want to see anyone.


I'm trying to do my taxes today. First time in my life. My desk is covered with bills...
I just needed a little distraction.

You May Be a Bit Borderline ...

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!

When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...

And when you're down, your whole world is crashing

Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

You Will Die at Age 79


You're pretty average when it comes to how you live...

And how you'll die as well.

Your Brain is 46.67% Female, 53.33% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

You Are 45% Normal

(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...

Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

You Are 17 Years Old


Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated.

You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005



More from the review:
The English is not good and there are many mistakes in the paper. A native speaker should read the next version before resubmission.

The paper

Remember I submitted a paper in January? Well, today it came. From the review:

This is a paper comprising some interesting and original ideas for the analysis of a longstanding problem [...] There are however theoretical as well as empirical problems that require rethinking.

Resubmit after Revision

The person who wrote the email said that if I make the neccessary changes they will publish the paper. They included the style sheet.


Monday, April 11, 2005

More fun from ex-supervisor

Tonight we all had dinner together because a guest professor is here.

Ex-supervisor said that he once had dinner together with Kurt Gödel. I was very surprised because Kurt Gödel died from anorexia nervosa (due to paranoia, he thought everyone wanted to poison him) in 1978.
And I told him.

Over the week end, he switched from friendliness to viciousness. At the dinner, he told the guy sitting next to me that he will teach a course next term with another grad student. This grad student is not doing our work but a different subject. And, really, if ex-supervisor is to co-teach next term, the logical companion would be me.

Then he he said, again to the guy sitting next to me, that he will organize a workshop at our next conference in fall. This workshop includes all topics from various subjects except mine.

I'm not very hurt by this behaviour. Rather, I think that this guy is an absolute idiot and asshole and that I did absolutely the right thing changing supervisors. And I am happy that ex-supervisor makes it so easy for me. I don't have any doubts anymore.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Ex-supervisor blues

Thank you all for being so supportive!!!!!
I'm so glad that you think it is good what I've done!

After the quietness, EX-supervisor has now - apparently - decided to be friendly. Almost aggressively friendly. He gave me 2 books as a a present and had coffee with us students, avoiding talking about my change of supervisors.

I really have to stop being nervous and worried and do some proper and constructive academic work now for New Supervisor.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Oh dear!

Ex-supervisor has locked himself into his office and is not talking to anyone.
Bad sign.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I did it

Today I told ex-supervisor from My Department that he is EX and that I changed to New Supervisor from Another Town. It was quite ok, but I guess he needs some time.

I was so nervous over the last couple of days, I had such back aches and was sick and everything. Only because of this awful supervisor stuff.

Now I'm tired and exhausted, and a bit relieved.